Today I ate 1000kcal of fudge as well as MUCHLY OTHER FOOD. And I am hating myself. I know I let myself because in an arsy mood in town and in a week moment thought screw it.
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If anyone feels like sending me a red string braclet go ahead!!!
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I have been miserable today. I still am out of place - the fourth year linguist are sweet but it isn't the same. I miss having my friends to go and sit in coffee shops... my college friends - of which 2 are good enough to do this... have different timetables and workloads and boohoo I am winging.
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Basically I have 2 friends in college, 5 friends in total. Last year I had over 30 good friends.
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I have felt so low when I shouldn't be. I don't really know what is going on at all with me.
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So in a bid to keep my 2 friends I have eaten masses... but binged once of fudge. THIS STOPS NOW.
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THE UNIVERSITY SSPO PLAN...
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FUCK THE LUNCH MEALS. NO BUYING FOOD. TAKE NO MONEY TO TOWN.
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Breakfast... go and limit to 400kcal - apple and muesli small portion. 5 dried apricots.
Dinner... 400kcal max on some nights. Other aim for a fruit and a yogurt or second fruit.
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WITH AN INTAKE AND HAPPY FRIENDS AT A MAX OF 800KCAL and 200kcal of daily walking... weight will sneakily fall of my bones x
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I understand about the friend thing. When my ED started, most of them disappeared :-/
ReplyDeleteYou know what helps me - I find fasting really hard, so I have a meal plan I have set out for myself and I then allow myself to only eat what is on it (it works pretty well most of the time). There are times I stuff it up but I have a kind of "red flag" weight that once I reach that I MUST get it back under control. Though the 'number' changes depending on my weight at the time. As it drops, the 'number' gets lower.
If I am allowed to eat a specific amount of food a day, I find I lose weight quicker than if I fast and get hungry and then binge. It could be as simple of having one small thing for breakfast, lunch and dinner.
Hang in there!
I definitely get the friend thing. There are times when I cannot bear to eat that I literally wish I had no friends so I wouldn't have to keep up appearances. And I have bailed so many times because I have binged and don't want to do anything else that might have food involved, or I just feel so disgusting that I am too depressed to have any fun.
ReplyDeleteAnd good call on not bringing money to lunch. If you can't pay for food, you can't eat any! And you wouldn't want to inconvenience anyone by borrowing money, so oh well! No lunch! Hehe sneaky sneaky :)
OMG FUDGE!!
ReplyDeleteSince I started making my own I can't touch store stuff at all. Mixed blessing?
*Hugs* I'll come sit in coffee shops with you! We could get a bunch of people together and play 500! :D
we will get to that awesome happy place again soon. i know we will! we just have to stick it out. you will make new friends this year and soon be up to 30 friends again. i know that at one point you started out one of your years (probably 1st?) knowing no one, so i know you CAN make 30 friends. you will do so again this year! do not worry! maybe better and awesomer friends! for now focus on getting work done and eating in a way that makes you happy. ok? happy place is not far off. our meadow is not far off either. GO THERE. ok? i am dreaming up elaborate schemes to move crazy places all the time but i think i really just want to end up in our meadow forever.
ReplyDeletei WISH i could come live with you and go to Durham but alas, they will not accept me as a non-international student because i am obviously and certifiably a US citizen. i would have to emigrate and establish citizenship in your fine country before i could even apply. and i think that might be even more rash and un-thought-through than running off to ukraine for 9 months. i have to get this insanity under control! now all i want to do is move to Boston. j'adore that city! it is where my heart lives. i am trying very hard not to get on a plane right now. i am trying very hard to be good and not make crazy impulsive decisions! like flying to the UK to see you! because i want to, and then you could have 6 friends instead of 5! but i cannot do that because it does not make sense and i will end up in trouble. WHY AM I SO PSYCHOTIC THESE DAYS??? why am i eating sugar in massive and probably heart-attack-inducing quantities??? is the sugar causing the craziness or is the craziness making me crave sugar? what is really going on here?
OKKKK once again i am writing about myself in YOUR comment. SORRY! this is supposed to be about YOU and how YOU are GOING TO BE FINE and MAKE FRIENDS and lose a few pounds and EAT OK and be in control and study hard and NOT BE OVERWHELMED!
i want so badly to write you an awesome letter but i am too scattered and flopping about and bouncing all over the place and i have to figure out what's going on first. and then, lovely amazing awesome technicolor medium-rich thick and shiny LETTER! so do not hold your breath but know that there will be one in your mailbox in the (hopefully) not-too-distant future!
LOVE the cRRRRaaaZzeee fishes! who love you! and who are loved by you! and who think it's totally awesome that you ate so much fudge! because they themselves are guilty of eating, umm, (a hideous amount of) cupcakes! and candy! and vanilla frosting right out of the container! and are about to eat their own exclamation points because everything they write is positively littered with them! !! ! !!! !!!!!! ! !!