Eyes shut, "I am not here, I am not here, I am not here"
Eyes open
Damn
Eyes shut, "I am not here, I am not here, I am not here"
Eyes open
Damn
.
Darkness is all around me. It engulfs the air around my skin and is poisining me from the outside in. I am filling with black. I am filling with grey. All shades of pink and purple turn to murky brown. I close my eyes. I open them. The same room is still my prison. The same walls are stood beside me. I close my eyes. I close my eyes. Shut my eyelids real tight until I see crimson. I open them. Damn. No change.
.
I am not sure why this is happening to me, all I know is I am falling down the rabbit hole and this is an ominous descent towards darkness. There are no stars that shine there. No laughter can be hear. No smiles seen. I love my course. I love my degree... yet the pieces of the jigsaw are slowly disintergrating... and it has only been a week. Maybe I am not made for stress of University. What am I going to do with my whole life. As the future becomes an apparent jungle before me, I struggle to find the path through. I am in the trees, but I can't climb high enough to see the way. And the more I climb the more tired I become, and the more I fall.
.
I ate breakfast today. Then I ate a small dinner. Then I was sick. Dinner wasn't in the rules. It couldn't stay. Breakfast is only allowed. The dinner was not in the plan, it is not part of the game. And because I am lost, because I feel threatened by the lions and the tigers and bears of the forest I am more focused on the game than ever.
.
Maybe I shouldn't be here. Maybe a degree isn't right for me. Sometimes I think... if I get so skinny that I fall I will be forced to hospital and then it isn't my failure... it is my illness that stops me getting a degree.
.
I was told at my assesment. At 6 stone, you are looking at hospital. No questions asked.
.
That didn't deter me. I went to dinner... I ate my dinner with a smile... because I knew... I knew that my next door dude was out. And I knew I could be sick. I don't want to be sick. I would prefer not to eat. But it wasn't possible... so there we go. Not everything came back up... only the yogurt and apple and a bit of the vegetable nut curry... which is what scared me the most. But I am 117 and after cans and cans of coke... so I am slipping again. I feel this is make or break year... and I think I am going to break.
.
I am SO excited Anise, that you might be passing through London. :-) I am glad I was told to sit, because I was overwhelmed with excitement!!
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
oh my darling why are we continually falling down the rabbit hole and finding a door at the bottom and through it, stairs, and light, and grass, and laughter, into which we emerge, and begin to smile and look around us, and then become curious about a little hole at the base of a tree, and stick our heads inside in order to figure out what this hole is, and then WHOOPS down we plunge, into the rabbit hole again where it is dark and dank and messy and slick, but oho! after a while there we find a little door, and beyond it stairs, and light and grass and trees and laughter...
ReplyDeletei am watching you cycling like this and Pasco and Lulu and everyone else and i am aware of my own cycles and I AM GETTING SICK OF THIS. why are we so damn curious about that fucking rabbit hole? why can we never learn to just not go under that tree, or not stick our heads in, or, or, or? we are smart but we are insanely, inanely stupid.
i am with you in the falling apart right now.
_
oh gah i started this comment yesterday and then had to run off to work. what was i even saying? i don't remember! i just remember i had more to say but didn't have time to finish it. but that's all gone now. my brain is a sieve.
ANYWAY, i love you and you are wonderful and i CANNOT wait to see you over christmas!! yes yes! i will send you the dates, etc, when i have them. can i stay with you for a day or two? or we could go on a little trip and so could avoid a day or two of gigantic amounts of holiday foods? i am more than happy to whisk you away from family if they are force-feeding you!
LOVE the fishes who are sitting in the sunlight dreaming of european sunlight...