Today I went to vissit Mrs Porter, and her little son, Jack, who is SO SO cute. I am not one to dream of having children, or to sigh at the sight of a new born... but toddlers are so so cute. Whilst in her company, she did not make me eat. I had a can of diet coke and water. And life seemed good again for a while.
.
This morning I was made to have breakfast.
I was miserable on the train.
I got back and my dad had a go at me on the phone for my phone bill from France.
I feel miserable.
.
I see Gel, my boss, for half an hour, and life seems good again for a while. She asks me if I am ok, strokes my hair, tells me everything will work itself out, and gives me the biggest hug. I don't know why she likes me so much. She is not a lovely dovey person who is affectionate with everyone. She is a woman who runs her restaurant like a military operation, has prominent features and massive curly hair, and a liverpool accent... yet she loves me to bits. And she means the world to me.
.
I get home. I am made to eat. Dad does shift work. I have done a mass plan this evening. And told my mum flat out that I am not eating a single thing tomorrow or Sunday on the way to Leceister. So basically, I expect to be given more this evening, feel fat and miseralbe, probably take it out again on my thighs without wanting to but needing to to get out this horrible feeling of pathetic twatness that fills me to shame. Why can I not even lose weight? How come I cant not eat for more than 3 days? You are stupid. Thighs take the hits. It hurts wearing tights right now, taking them off at night... torture.
.
So tired. Want to read your blogs but might have to tomorrow morning, I WILL I PROMISE, because I am not in a good place right about now.
Aw, my dear. The same thing will happen to me in about an hour and a half. I have to end my fast a bit earlier than scheduled.
ReplyDeleteThings will get better. They will.
xo,
Margie.
:( I really hope you feel better soon, being in a place where noone cares is the best thing, because you don't have to eat, but unfortunately parents seem insistant on forcing food down my throat too, it's a nightmare, I'm sorry your in a bad place right now, try and smile, for now.
ReplyDeleteoh oh darling i want you to not be miserable x 10,000,000,000! at least you had some good moments, non?
ReplyDeleteyou cannot not eat for more than three days because no one is giving you the opportunity. do not blame that on yourself! people LOVE to feed us. they ADORE it. it makes them feel caring and powerful and needed and all that. it is impossible to avoid it sometimes. i have a giant feast day looming ahead of me (Sunday) and there is NO WAY out of it. i am just going to have to swallow and cry later.
but soon you will be on the train and away from your family who is stuffing food into you. i know you will not be alone at school but at least you will be settled, and you can work out a Grand Plan. ok? that is what you will do when you get back to Durham. maybe you will do that on the train? what happened to Operation SSPO? it's time for you to make a Plan that will help you stick to SSPO when you get to Durham. and that will make you feel better, because you will have so much sneaky not eating to look forward to! it will be fun, it will be like a game!
ok, love? where is my happy bunny? i know you are in there somewhere.
remember: I WILL NOT FAIL. FUCK YOU, FAILURE!
this can apply to whatever you want to apply it to. getting a First, not eating, fasting, being sneaky, whatever you need it for.
you are the reason that i rush to my computer every ten minutes that i am at home. you are the reason i stay strong. ok? so you have great worth even though you feel twatty and like nothing. you are worth something to me and you are worth more to me when your thighs are not all bloody and painful, mmkay?
it is not just me but YOU who are made of light. maybe it is a red light today but it is light nonetheless.
I LOVE YOU LITTLE BUNNY!
Oh.. Ma Petite Cherie! Things seem to be a bit unhappy and miserable for you at the moment.
ReplyDeleteI made blue playdough last night. Because I was feeling blue. But now, well. Shall I make you a black pile?
Smashing it against the table feels pretty good.
Love you, dear. Sorry, I haven't got that much to say today...