ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHMUM is making chicken stew... "for us all" tonight. This means that cereal was just eaten, followed by 2 apples, a pitta bread with cheese... basically the day is lost. I am so angry. Tomorrow is monday. Tomorrow is the first day of FREEDOM, the first day of University...
.
THE FIRST PROPER STUPID FAST DAY AT THIS RATE... Why?! I am going to be fat, everyone will laugh at me, wonder why I had to stay, because I am fat and the same fat weight. I ventured to my back and calf yesterday with the sharp shinies... I can't make this nightmare end. The nightmare needs to end. I need to wake up with my bones glowing.
.
ALSO MY FLIPPING INFECTED CUTS ARE WAY BETTER AFTER THESE FEW DAYS OF MASS EATING. gaghhhhhhhhhhhh
Ok, sexy six. (incidentally, I LOVE your hair. I love your tights and your little russian bear and your whole... you-ness. It is very chic.)
ReplyDeleteBreathe in... and... breathe out. It is okay. I am sending you super duper, bone crushing HUGS, so you have to be okay.
I am feeling much MUCH calmer and happier today. My brain quietened down, the food stopped screaming at me (yes, know exactly what you meant by that!) and I could finally THINK.
Here's what I realised:
- Panic caused by desperate need to be thin nownowyesterday (resulting in fasting, because if eat food then process will take too long)
- Dread caused by massive self doubt (resulting in eating, because obviously never going to succeed)
This is actually a bad combination. You just end up stuck in a rut while you pedal madly to nowhere.
Maybe you're suffering from this combination a little too? So, just remember: you are not going to be able to lose all of the weight overnight. That is why you've come up with your sneaky October plan. You are just going to keep on chipping away at it, a little bit at a time.
Yes, you are going to eat sometimes. But this is OK. Food does not equal failure. If you stop eating after chicken stew, then that is a good day! I'm pretty sure that food you've just listed comes under the still losing category, it just means losing a little slower than we're used to. The thing is though, if you ate only that amount of food everyday, you would see slow decrease. So, good day!
Ugh. Hope I am making sense and not making too many assumptions! I see a lot of similarities in our thinking though, so hopefully some of my 'revelations' will help you get some sunshiney clarity too. xx
i think Nona is absolutely right! don't despair, little bunny! everything that you DON'T eat is an achievement, even if it is just one cracker. how do you think obese people get that way? they say, oh, just one more cracker won't hurt. so all you need to do is say, no, not this cracker. not that one. maybe i ate 17 already, but i will NOT eat 18. you see?
ReplyDeletei have two ideas for you that work for me. maybe they will not work for you but in case:
i have a complex system of hair ties that i wear around my wrist. they are different colors and they colors mean what kind of food day i am supposed to have: RED for juice fast, or otherwise "watch out and avoid certain pre-specified things". red is NO JOKE. i do not fuck around with red on my wrist. BLUE is for "you're supposed to be eating nothing but obviously you will be eating something so go ahead and do that, but remember that you are not supposed to be eating anything and try not to binge." blue is my freest day, the day i am allowed the most. TEAL is for full-on serious and total fasting. this one is even more NO JOKE than the red.
i don't know why this helps me, i think there is something about seeing it on my wrist all the time that reminds me, it's right there in my face, in case i "forget" or try to talk myself out of something...also because hair ties are so easy to take on and off, i know that even if i am wearing teal today and fasting and it sucks and i want to quit, that i can change it up and wear blue tomorrow and then i will be allowed to eat. i think this knowing that you can eat in the future is the key. if you say to yourself, "i can never eat again, i will fast for a month, no food ever again," then you get depressed because there is no hope in sight, you know you will be miserable forever, and so you end up eating, and feeling bad, and eating more. whereas if you can say to yourself, "today i am not eating and tomorrow i am not eating, but on the day after that i must eat because it will be the end of the fast and i must be somewhat kind to my body," then it is more manageable. because then in the fast you can deal with the moment, instead of the giant looming future. like, FUCK, i'm hungry - i won't be this way forever, after the fast ends, so i will avoid the hunger for now and have a diet coke. and then the next moment you are hungry: FUCK, i'm hungry, let's put off eating a little longer. i know i WILL be eating again soon. that is LITERALLY how i got through my five day fast. moment by moment. knowing i would be eating again on saturday. it really helped.
the other thing is that when i am feeling destructive and like hurting myself, and i know it sounds strange, i pluck my eyebrows (or whatever other parts have unwanted hair). i do not cut anymore, but this is one of the only non-food-related masochistic indulgences i allow. 1. it provides the necessary pain. 2. it forces you to focus on minutiae, and gets everything else out of your head 3. it is completely an absorbing activity. 4. it's not fucked up and insane because everyone does it, and 5. i am getting some necessary grooming done in the process. i know it is not cutting but maybe you could see if this works? there are some areas that i am sure would provide lots of necessary pain (oh dear that sounds mad, doesn't it?)
i have to go, I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU BUNNY, DON'T DESPAIR! you are ok you are ok you are ok.
LOVE LOVE xxxx
try some E45 cream on infected cuts :) it will make them better, or get some papanthum cream(sp?)
ReplyDelete& I hope you have fun at Uni, and will get to eat when & how you want. One more day is all you need to hold on to.
x