Oh my word... today was going REALLY well... until around 2 hours ago. Really good day... Really awful two hours.
.
Rach came into my room and sat down, started going through my clothes that mostly all have price tags on because I feel to fat to wear them, she pointed this out, she pointed out that this year without my year abroad was not a time to lose weight, but get better. Then I had music playing. Everytime a thinspo song came on, I turned it over and unticked them before anyone could notice... and then she clicked on courage. By Superchick. And then she found the playlist. And that wasn't good. And then she saw the piece of paper on my desk, but turned it over. I do not get visitors. My room is full of me. My room is thus full of my obsessions. I turned the page over, thinking it wouldn't be touched... and she turned it over to see that I have a weight goal for the 21st when I am going to the Eating Disorder Clinic. That wasn't good. Then she found the intervention video I posted the link to yesterday.
.
Her eyes were red. I feel like a monster. Then she noticed I have Vasanti and got angry... ok I half manipulated myself into that class, yes, but only half, and maybe I shouldn't have, but it isn't hurting anyone, and I did have a clash and had to change classes.
.
I love Rach to bits. She means the world to me, I do not want to lose her. Today really pushed it. She has been through alot, she knows that change isn't easy, she knows that I don't really want change. Well, I want not to obsess about food, I want to live, but I want to fly and be skinny, and that half will not u-turn with the other, because I do not want it to.
.
I do not want to upset everyone I love. And I do not know what to do.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
*HUGS!!*
ReplyDeleteI have no advice today, only hugs. Lots and lots of hugs.
*HUGS*
I have no ideas on how you can keep your self and your friends happy. But... I have been watching Being Human and it has made me happy and cheerful and hidden all my cares away. So perhaps it will have the same effect on you :)
ReplyDeleteJohn Mitchell: You'd be better in a fight, you're stocky.
George Sands: I'm not stocky.
John Mitchell: Look at you, you're like... you know in a cartoon when a safe falls on someone...?
John Mitchell: So, you've just arrived at Hogwarts, which house do they put you in?
George Sands: I'd like to say Gryffindor, but they're supposed to be brave. What's the other one? Ravenclaw, does that have a characteristic?
John Mitchell: I think they're brainy. You could be in Ravenclaw.
Annie: I quite fancy Hufflepuff actually. I've always thought in Hufflepuff they just spend the day making stuff with safety scissors and glitter.
George Sands: What about you?
John Mitchell: I think that they'd say. It's probably best if you just stay in the canteen for the next five years.
Annie: Does anyone ever 'choose' Slytherin?
George Sands: No, because that would be like saying 'I'm a sociopath.'
Lots of lovelies to you!!
oh oh oh little bunny, i am so so sorry! my life-long best friend stopped talking to me when i was 16 because she couldn't deal with the ED. i know that fear. i am so sorry. maybe if you explain to her that you don't want to be this way, that you can't help it, that you're trying? and then make a show of trying to be better (like eat some vegetables)? i don't know if that would do any good. but if you come at it like a rational adult that just has this problem, rather than a stubborn kid that wants to be fucked up (not saying that you are! but i know i used to be and i think about having to explain it to my parents this time around, and feel like they would take it better if i sat them down and explained that i can't help it, i'm trying to work on it, all that.)
ReplyDeleteyeah that's the only thing i can think of. i live in daily fear of everyone around me finding out. i just have no idea how to deal with that. my cousin is moving to LA and will be here in two or three days and i am terrified because i'm almost 10 lbs less than when he saw me in August and he's very perceptive, and if he thinks something's up he'll tell his mom who'll tell my mom...so my "escape under cover of 2,600 miles" plan is about to crumble.
all i can say is, je t'aime, mon petit lapin! you are everything to me! i just want you to be a happy, alive, thriving little bunny! tell rach whatever you need to to alleviate her fears, ok?
remember that you are surrounded by little squirrly hugs and fishy kisses!