64hours of fast completed...and then another fricking failure.

I knew my credit card number. I had "unsufficient funds" to withdraw anything, says Little Miss in the Uk whilst I phone from Paris. Didn't realise they took the interest off striaght away like that before the minimum payment... Anida gave me 5 euros. I wish I hadn't taken it. I shouldn't have even mentioned it, but I felt so crappy and weak and I had no idea how I was going to last until the 26th without food - LIKE I SHOULD HAVE, - I might add... At first I said no thanks... she is persistent. And with low willpower and a weak moment I gave in.

.

Lasted until 3 this time... slight progress from 10am the last time. Even managed to watch them eat more of my fave foods - hummus, lettuce, goats cheese and red pepper bread. That was fine. But money in pocket walking home was difficult. I caved first with a banana and apple, closed my eyes and thought of other things passing Mcdonalds - I NEVER like the taste, but I always want to eat it - weird, huh! So 2 bits of fruit down... the failure was a livable one... and then came Monop' The M and S of the French world... You know what I ate... baguette (not even brown) and OH YES - hummus... I wonder what made me crave that.

.

At work Christine asked if I was going to eat with them - even if I knew I was going to break later I still cant eat in front of others, bar my parents... and rarely is it a desire to do so! It seems almost like more of a failure eating when people see it that you know. Most of the time they are so shocked (despite the fact I have a lot to lose yet) that I am eating something I automatically think OH SHIT WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING. Once I craved a burger soooooooo much - not from Mcdo... I had one - particuarlly weak week of big binges. My friend turned to me and said... YOU'RE eating A BURGER? It will stick with me forever. Just like that (it might sound dumb) I was a failure. What the hell was I doing eating a damn burger. How could I be so weak willed?

.

Anyhow... she - Christine - at my response, turned around and went "Anorexique. Problèmes de bouffe." DING on goes the lightbulb. Now even a non-french speaker can translate the first bit. And the second means eating issues. And I thought... well... not really. I don't deserve that label. It is too high for me. I am a poor imitation of someone who wants to be skinny but can never quite do it. I am a joke. Really a stupid joke.

.

I have 1 euro left of the 5 euros.

.

I have 6 full days before my mum gets here and tops up my money (I shall have to not do the dumb thing I thought would work but didnt last time of spending it all to avoid food.)

.

For 0.40 centimes I can get half a baguette - but it is white. And for 0.50 I can get a massive apple. So I don't know if I should quit kidding myself I am any good at this, and either eat twice, after every 2 day fast... or try once. But lets face it... I can't do it. I actually think It would be easier if it were cold. Because I am so light headed in the heat and I cannot walk. When I am cold I am tired... but it is easier even if the appetite is more.

.

Anyhow. Congrats if you reached the end of this enormous and longwinded, boring post... hope you are doing better than me at the food game... love x x