angerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

I would like to apologise for posting currently pretty much constantly - I need to get it out some how, all the craziness - and I guess this is just my method.

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Ok, so today is my last day of work. My last day of compulsory movement, if you get what I mean. I have alread eaten half a baguette: 400 and FOUR of those slices in the fridge from lunch at work yesterday that I was so tempted to eat. I snuck ate them. How lame is that. So calling that at worst 100kcal each - and they are small - that is already 800 calories for today. I have 0.60 cen. left... and I am so tired today, seriously I do not understand what is happening to my sleep, that I think I will maybe use that up early evening time today and then lead a very still, very in my room for ages or at the library fast. I swear, I will never forgive myself if I don't fast for over 2 days in Paris. This is meant to be the glory weight loss period with no eyes on me to intervene. So that gives me a target of 5 days full fast. I have already managed 50 percent of that.

I can do it, right?

14:30

I cannot BELIEVE what I have just done. I can NOT BELIEVE IT. How retarded can a girl get. Seriously I might cry.

I finished work early. After all that. Anida gave me 10 euros - saying how will you survive on 5 until Wednesday. I am SUCH a fool for mentioning the card thing. So I thought take it, keep it, don't spend it, give the same 10 back with 5 of your own next weekend...

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Then I pass, for the last time, Chez Jean. The colourful place. I eat...

3 apples, a banana, a deicassis... which I fear was mascarpone instead of low fat yogurt

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wait for it.

An ENTIRE wholemeal baguette. This time the calories are labelled. I find it once I am basically finished.

I am horrified. A baguette weighing 300g - 900kcal. 900 KCALS. 900. And the FAT. Oh my GOD THE FAT. 3.6g per 100. IT IS THE BREAD OF THE DEVIL. AND I ATE IT ALL. AFTER A MASCARPONE YOGURT. AFTER THIS MORNING. I AM SO DAMN ANGRY WITH MYSELF.

THAT MAKES A SHIT LOAD. 2600. 2600 kcalories. I COULD CURL UP IN A BALL AND DIE.

And Anida want me to teach her English on Tuesday. I am up for that. She also is insisting on giving me lunch. How can I say no after 15 fricking euros. I am SUCH a retard. SUCH A RETARD. I am going to train myself to NOT TOUCH BREAD. NOT TOUCH BREAAAAAD. Too dangerous. TOO addictive. I did it with chocolate - it has been almost a month and the closest I have com to eating it is last night in a dream. I can do this. I CAN. I have to believe I can or I wont.

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SO I AM LAUNCHING THE PLAN.

Which I really want to stick to. I didn't want to write it because I am somewhat ashamed that I do it - but a few days ago after that first binge I had a slight cutting session on my legs so no one would see. The more unstable I feel, the more I want to. And I would prefer not to get caught in the cut and vomit stage of things again. Because that was miserable.

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FRIDAY to MONDAY - 4 DAY Fast

TUESDAY. Just lunch. JUST FOOD AT ANIDAS - Cant afford anything else anyway. I have 0.30!

WEDNESDAY. Mummy here. Stick to fruit. I am not expecting miracles. AT ALL.

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I am meant to weigh myself on saturday and on tuesday. So the beginning bascially and the end of the fast. Should be interesting to see if it is possible to lose what I have most likely gained.