History of Self... dont feel obliged to read all. No need!

I just watched all 7 episodes of "Starved" on youtube over two days... I am somewhat gutted that the show got cancelled when it did because the ending is somewhat depressing and hopeless for all of us that we just get miserable and become even more extreme. I apologise in advance for this post because it will be dull and reflective because I am in a thoughtful mood. Actually I might just get my history/ dream rant moan over and done with, because I want to get things clear in my mind too...

.

Nothing but the truth... however much I might want to lie about certain parts and pretend they didn't happen.

.

Year 9. 13- almost 14. Started self-harming. Honestly don't know why. Got stressed over the most petty things and would cry for hours whilst throwing things around my room. I blame hormones.

.

Year 10. One night, mum gives me dinner and for the first time at home I decide that I just dont want the damn meal anymore. I find a blue box and put it in a bag under my bed and spray it so it doesnt smell. That starts of a new phase. Until then I only avoided food at school. It started with no breakfast, which was fairly normal for me anyway, and a roll and yogurt at lunch. My friends started noticing and giving me their food. I would get pissed, not want to make a scene but think it unfair that they got to eat half and me 1 and a half portions. Self-harm continued whenever I couldnt control food. Same sort of thing carried on until the end of year 11 and beginning of year 12 and then came phase three.

.

The extreme stage. I was always so proud of get this, being able to fast for a single day. I would wake up the next morning so shaky and think OH my I need breakfast but it was ok, because I had done the day. No more do I think like that. Anyhow the dinner throwing away became more constant, I became miserable, avoided food at all costs, even at friends houses. Politeness was dropped to a minimum... I remember one time we were planning D of E silver at Elins. Dont get me started about Elin. And there were Chicken nuggets and pizza. Everyone ate loads. I ate 2 chicken nuggets at a very slow pace. Teachers started making comments, I stopped talking, I kept losing weight. The glory days, not so much full of glory. At the moment I start to get to my goal BAMN EXAMS. A-LEVELS.

.

Something about them always disrupts my eating. It makes it ok to eat. I overeat chocolate. In secret. I reckon I actually start properlly binging and fasting. I dance after school 4 days a week Modern Dance. Properly miserable. Gel talks to me at work. First time I talk about food to an outsider. Instant bond

.

University. Scared about not fitting in. Fake normality but this is hard. Promise not to eat chocolate because that is the only thing that used to make me lose control. One evening I am handed a tin of roses. Strawberry are my favourite. I have said no so many times, I am scared of sticking out. I take one. WOOSH I am gone. Just like that. An entire year of binging, fasting, crying and being sick.

.

End of the first year, after exams. Really really miserable. Avoid contact with people at all costs. Walk on my own, escape to Newcastle on my own. Friends get worried and talk to me. Want me to go and talk to someone. No way, I say. I am fine. It is already out, that I have food issues. I bought a scale second week and apparently thats when Rach knew. I would lock myself in my room each evening, pretend I was at the library, lie still on my bed, hear people knock for me outside my door to go to meals and ignore it. For days on end.

.

Summer. Zanzibar, Morocco. 3 weeks at both ends of summer where I basically eat minimum, end up 8 stone at the end of each after weighing 8.12 before the 10days. But binge at home and fuck it up. Always on toast, always on chocolate and biccies and BRANFLAKES. Always FUCK up at home. Binge at midnight because it is a NEW DAY after my 24 hour fast. Bullshit.

.

Second year of Uni.

The year of shit and change.

.

Friends take me to counsellor. Get trapped. Decide I dont want to go, get told I am a threat to myself, If I stop going and DONT go to see a doctor they will tell the department. I like my department and didnt want them to know. So crying I said fine, I will go to the doctor. That was a mistake. Most awkward event at a doctors I can remember, the first appointment. He says he thinks I am bulimic, non purging, and that I should have a referral. I say no thanks, he says ok. Go back to the counsellor to say I am not going anymore, I have been trapped. Not only are they going to tell the department anyway, but now I am known by the doctors. Mwahaha. End up going to the counsellor for 8 weeks. She is useless. She thinks the average daily intake is 1000kcal. She has no idea. Doctor puts me on antidepressants. Since I know the department will know, I decide to tell them so they dont talk to me first. Pick Alex from Russian. Mega long email. She is sweet. She doesnt probe but says that it is always helpful to know whats going on, she will help me whenever she can. This comes in handy because I properly fuck up.

.

Vasanti finds out the week after I do a presentation in French on OBESITY. Yes. Without knowing she asks me about eating disorders afterwards. I almost die. She becomes my guardian angel. She is the most genuine person at uni.

.

Year gets progressivly worse. Friend has incident with pills and I take her to hospital, she is fine, think of it as more a twisted attention act, which I understand. I dont sleep for 2 days looking after her, get more behind in my work. Everything goes down the drain at February due to friend, stress and weight. I cant concentrate. I cry. I am a wreck.

.

I get a referral. It goes no where. It is Easter. I go to Russia and escape. Come back my heaviest ever. Over 9 stone 5.

.

I come back. I see a different woman doctor who is amazing. I am asked to have blood tests and have a referral. TO a man nurse. Meanwhile I am not allowed to go on my year abroad, because of my state of mind, my potassium and my general health. I agree. To be fair I am given the option but I am too afraid to go away even though I want to. Not for health, I dont know why.

.

Vasanti helps me tell my parents.

.

I go home... it is awkward. I am naive... I go to Paris.

.

I do NOT WANT my LAST year of Durham Undergrad to be miserable. I am SURROUNDED by wonderful people, in a wonderful town and I love my course. I want to do well, I want to be skinny and I want to be happy. But all three seem to be an impossible combination. I wanted to write this down to make myself realise that only I can change me. AND that I am going around in circles and circles and not getting anywhere. I can change. I can do it. But I have to get past the barriers that always stop me. I have to work hard. At uni and at food avoidance. I can do this. I CAN DAMN IT. I CAN. My story is by no means extreme, it is plain and bers no comparison on thigns that you guys will have experienced, I know that well and just want you guys to know that I know that, ok :-)

.

I want to do a Masters there afterwards. I dont think I can take it if I cant get a grip on this for-ever-going-around-in-cirlces-of-binging-and-fasting-crap. I dont want to not do it for that.

.

Moan and rant over. LOVE AND SORRY.