6am Wonders...

It is 6am. I woke up to hummingbird heart AGAIN. And it reminded me of the nightmare night (a real, not dreamlike status acquiring one) in which...

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I arrive at 11.30pm into Durham and taxi it from the train station on top of the highest hill in the town to my 'for the next year' rented house... keys in hand... I pay the driver... I put the keys in the lock... It doesn't open. I go around the back, see if the back door opens... no budge. I try again... He has changed the locks. It is October in the North of England and I am homeless for the night. I drag my LARGE AND HEAVY suitcase around to the back of the house - which is a terrace, and takes a considerable amount of time to navigate up the leafy back alley... and try to sleep in the 3 by 3 metre yard where the bikes are usually kept. It is fairly cold. It starts to rain. Image a girl, sitting in the corner of a 3 by 3 metre little yard, next to a suitcase, with a duvet and a dressingown and an umbrella covering her whole exsistence perched between her chin and her shoulder. All you can see are my knees down. At 3am. I have enough. I leave the suitcase. Wander into town. Get a taxi to the nearest 24hour tesco (BIG supermarket to non-UKers) costing me over £5 because it is a 4-5mile (7km?) walk... and wander. And wander. And wander. Now. Skinny head is most deff. on at this point. So after 2.5 hours of wandering I buy a can of diet coke. A can of red bull light. Dextrose tablets. Slimming pills and dissolvable weightloss tablets. The 5am self service check out is very very unsupervised..

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I drink the cola, and the red bull light, and take the 2 slimming pills, and2 more for good luck, and drink the dissolvable tablet and walk the whole way home at 5.30am. 6.30am and I need the loo... I walk upto the train station on top of the hill that overlooks the entire city to use a one... I walk back down to the house. By this time I have a grazia in hand, and have taken to reading it inside out. 7am. I figure it is ok to try and ring the landlord now. It is early - but I have been out all night. He doesn't pick up. His phone is off. I say FUCK THIS SHIT I am tired. I drag my heavy suitcase all through town (after a diet cola stop in the only open and WONDERFUL NERO), up the pebble streeets (Durham is small. But HILLY and the centre is based in the swoop of the river Wear.) So I cross the river twice to get to the other side of town and the the pub hotel near the police station and the languages department. (OH YES - I also at 1am before tesco walk to college to see if I still know the code. I dont. College is 1.5 miles from my house.) Anyhow he is open and getting ready for the day - he only has a small pub, but the upstairs room, for £55 is amazing (Luckily I had been paid for 3 months work... unluckily I spent 100 pouunds in less than 6 hours due to free roaming and no bed). 1 room, 1 large kitchen, 1 Large living room. In short. The entire appartment. So no matter what I have that room for the following night. I sleep until 11am and then wander Durham... then I come back and have the diet pills and more fizz and wander Durham a bit more. Landlord calls. Wants to meet me at 2pm... so I walk quickly to the house to pick up the new keys... and spend the rest of the day moving the majority of my stuff to the house so I dont have to deal with the heavy suitcase in the morning) Then repeat. It gets to 6pm and I am exhausted. I have walked miles and miles and not eaten and drank fizz caffeine and eaten lots of diet pills. I get into bed.

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I kid you not I get scared I might die. I know, I know... Overreaction. I know well. But my heart is beating so so so fast and I cannot sleep because It wont slow down. Nothing I do can make it slow down. I drink water. I breath slow... at 6.30pm I am having a full scale freak out that I march myself down stairs and order the biggest f-ing pub meal EVER. And then go to the amazing local shop, which I know well due to its language dept closness, and raid the cereal bt, and buy muesli, apples and skimmed milk. ALL GONE. Like that. The WHOLE bag. This is the ONE time I have a full scale binge and dont freak out about it..

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Boring story over. *Breath sigh of relief that I am not going on*

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So I just blew the lightbulb and am sitting in the blackish hue of my room, lit only by the blue and white of the screen. I had to stay up to calm what ever the hell is going on with my heart down. Do we reckon it was yesterdays binge? I mean. A lot of sugar was consumed. But this doesnt explain last night. And also the peeing. My friend once told me if I carry on I will make myself diabetic. The idea has haunted me ever since...

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MUCH MORNING LOVE FROM THE FISHES WITH THE FEET PINS-AND-NEEDLES