Wednesday, 23 September 2009

I am sick of eating
I want to fast
DAMN ANTIBIOTICS
I officially cannot make myself throw up anymore. Good thing I threw half the loaf away. Shame about the cheese. Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? WHY?
I am not eating
I cannot eat
You know I will fuck up
But I don't want to fuck up
Yes we have reached that part of the cycle again
I am not eating
I refuse to be fat
And If I cannot be sick, then I am not eating
It is official. I can nolonger be bulimic. Because I cannot be sick. Random, yes I know.
This means I will just have to avoid food. Altogether. That week I am at home. NO FOOD. None. Ok? Oh for god's sakes you know you cant do that
BUT I WANT TO BE ABLE TO DO THAT
WHY CANT I DO THAT?
Pleaseeee pleaseee
Keep busy
Keep busy
Uni is coming
Uni is chasing you
Keep running
NO BREAD
NO CHEESE
NO FOOD
FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIFE COULD YOU LISTEN TO ME. IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW MANY TIMES YOU HAVE FUCKED UP IN THE PAST, EACH NEW TRY IS A FRESH NEW TRY. LET'S MAKE THIS ONE WORK, YES?
I know, I know, I have antibiotics. I HATE THEM. I want to spite myself. I want to just lie in bed and feel empty again. I have had enough of this now. WHY TWO CHEESE SANDWICHES? WHY 150G OF CHEESE AND 6 SLICES OF BREAD, YOU WERE DOING SO WELL. Look Amanda. Let's look at this. You were learning Russian vocab this morning. This is hardely strenous work. Can we not just master the Russian vocab, forget about the French. It is only 1 module, this cinema thing. Write down the titles, and forget about it. NO stress. Just russian words and diet coke. and water. PLEASE AMANDA I DO NOT KNOW WHAT I WILL DO IF I AM NOT 7 STONE 5 AGAIN. I NEED IT NOW.
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1 comment:

  1. Minaralou23 September 2009 at 16:40

    Ohhh honey I feel so bad for you!! I know exactly how you feel because I used to eat like that as well some time ago :( At the same time I just wanted to stuff my face with food and was so desperately unhappy and felt as if I was gonna die =(
    But as you said, NEVER give up it doesn't matter how long you try as long as you dont STOP!!
    And having such a german dream is a sign that you seem to be pretty good at it ;) I was sooo happy when I had my first english dream about 2 years or so ago ^-^

    And I am absolutely sure that your gain is not a hundred percent of pure fat!! YOU know why?
    Because you have to consume 7000calories!! to gain a whole kilo of fat. I bet you didnt even have 7thousand,right? ;)

    ReplyDelete

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