- I have noticed that I hate being in big groups because I automatically assume everyone else is better than me. I get intimidated my tall thin pretty girls who are nice, clever people who talk about themselves and make me feel dumb, skinny girls who are pretty and eat entire tubes of pringles, short people who wear make up well... these thought pass through my head: why should I bother talking to them? They will think I am lame. Why don't I wear make up? Why am I 5"4? Why am I not that skinny, pretty or clever? Why can she easily eat pringles and not worry about it? Do they think I am dumb? Should I be here? Can I go home now? Who do I talk to? - Which leads to me looking silently in awe of the guests as if a statue in amongst the crowd.
- Sometimes I long to be able to go to a BBQ and enjoy the food as well as the smell. I don't think I will ever be able to think about food in a 100% normal way again- sometimes this actually upsets me. I mean, can you be a 30yr old woman and have a kitchen full of drinks because she is too worried to have food incase she will binge on it. I literally have nothing in the fridge apart from diet coke and water.
- I am nolonger able to tell what is normal. For instance - is a juice fast normal? How much pasta is a normal amount? Everything is always too much and I do not know what normal is.
- Why do my fingers and arms get thinner, but my bum remain the same elephant size?
I am going to do something *braveish* - I have not the guts to post a picture of me (which isn't black and white thus not looking like me in my profile pic) but I LOVE art so much, and I am at the moment doing an acrylic painting which I want to show you - because I wish WISH wish WISH that I could talk to you as if you were sitting beside me. Now please don't laugh - I do not pretend to be good, I just enjoy painting - it is the ONLY thing I cxan do that when I do it I stop thinking. Only colours go through my mind and it is bliss. ALSO it is the first coat - for example the shoes are black with gold and the pavement, I know, is not pink and blue. But still... It is called 'Take me to Versailles" because I took the picture there looking down at my feet and when I finish the painting I want to be able to look at it and imagine being back there. 
Love from the fishes who cannot remember how to make text go around the image
p.s this means I have gone from 126lbs to 112.5lbs... and I thought I had lost nothing!!! YES. GOODBYE RUSSIA PIZZA FAT WEIGHT
Sex-bomb, they're gorgeous! I wish I was artistic. I play the flute, but it actually isn't expressive of ME, it's expressive of that silly old Romantic of a Composer.
ReplyDeleteYou should go, burn the Mona Lisa, and put up your paintings instead. Because they're beautiful.
Love, the awestruck, gob-smacked, bedazzled, honkered fishes.
PS I'm sorry I did not comment on your post itself. It made me think of me, and how I feel about everything too.
PPS CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR WEIGHTLOSS!
ok you have many posts i need to catch up on! all at 6:45 in the AM! so i am doing them individually because my brain is not yet awake enough to put it all together. so, this post!
ReplyDelete1. i am THE SAME WAY in crowds. especially if i am talking for once and everyone is looking at me, and i'm like, why are you looking at me? are you noticing how retarded i look? my odd mannerisms? my horrific embarrassment? who am i supposed to look at when i'm talking? how do i be socially correct and no awkward? are you comparing the size of my shoulders and arms and legs and stomach to yours? and all these thoughts circle around and of course interrupt whatever the hell i was trying to say, so people DO look at me weird because i can't get a sentence out. either all that, or i blush a beet red from my chest to my forehead and people get worried because they think i'm dying. so i try not to be in groups of more than two people at any given time. it's too much. usually if i am i just sit there quietly and say nothing and try to hide. this is true in classes, too--i cannot raise my hand, even if i know know know the answer. i cannot stand that many people looking at me at once. this is a horror in french class of course where she calls on people at random AND we have to say things in french, which though my brain is very good at my mouth is NOT. horrors.
2. you are actually VERY clever and worthwhile and smart and UH-MAY-ZING. you just don't know it. please always imagine that we are sharing a little flat on the banks of the Seine and sipping cold fizzy beverages!
3. i have a friend who is "recovered" or whatever. the way she deals with normalcy is to weigh everything and count calories. like she's rational about needing 1300 to 2000 calories every day and weighs and counts until she reaches that number. otherwise she will eat her whole fridge. i do not know if this is normal (obviously not) but it is keeping her healthy and marginally sane.
4. i was "normal" about food for a while, but have realized that it was just a giant blanket of ignoring body and food issues. this works very well actually and is wonderful. but you never know when things will spring up again. i am a case in point. so it's possible to get to enjoying a BBQ stage, but you must always be wary. sucks.
5. i understand about your fingers and bum. only for me it's my back and thighs. in that order. i have a dinosaur spine and my ribs are showing and i have a friend or two that's kind of on to me about this, but my thighs are still wiggly goo. totally sucks.
6. your art is BEAUTIFUL and AMAZING! i had no idea you were so talented in SO many ways! look at you go! and that is WONDERFUL if you can think of nothing but happiness and colors when you paint. please keep painting, then!!!!!! i wish so much that i could draw/paint, etc.! i can do some nice collaging with charcoals and construction paper and rubber cement and inks and sharpies and various other weird materials (i have used yoghurt!), but that's about it. keep doing what you do.
yes! more comments on further posts to follow!
love from fishes who need to run out the door now because they are late!