Seeing as I have no money to buy diet coke... I thought I would look at some in hope it might help ....
Ugh I am tired.
.
Also, I hate money. Because I lack it. I am awful awful awful with money. And I waste lots on food. This makes me angry. And also ALSO I do not think I would actually be able to eat a normal days food in a normal way ever again. It is quite sad really, I mean YES I want to lose weight, but I have been caught in a hurricane and in the eye of the storm all is quite. We are at shelter from the riff-raff and the hoo-haa of life. But, is it not an illusion? Are we not doing this to avoid thinking about what is behind the hurricane? What the world has tried to throw at us? Either way I am stuck here now, And even if I wanted out a gust of wind would chuck me back into the center of the storm where I believe myself to be in shelter. Oh my. This is profound. I just cannot remember when the last time I was not schitzo about food was. I mean I know this is literally very similar for all of us on here, but here are a few random points...
- Tired ALL the time. This has got to be very universal, non? I would love to do my degree without wanting to lie on my bed and sleep
- I cannot wear trousers or jeans or t-shirts which aren't a particular topshop type that is baggy and actually makes me look fatter. Everytime I TRY and put on jeans I get upset. My legs are horrible, thus live my life in around 4 skirts. A mr men print skirt (my fave), a knee length non-tight demin skirt, a black gold stripe skirt and a floral skirt. Even in Russia. With tights because I hate my legs so much. When I get to goal three I can consider trying jeans on again.
- I cannot keep food in the house because I feel obliged to eat it all so it is nolonger there to tempt me... twisted logic? So I have to buy food when I want food, which is far more expensive.
- I cannot stop eating a pack of something if I open the pack (same logic) even if I want some the following day - example - ORANGE SOJA BICS.
- I hate having showers because I get dizzy.
- If I am meant to fast and even only eat 200kcal I feel like a failure, when in everyday context I have only eaten 10% of my daily intake recommendation
These are the 6 top points that I am FED up with. But are with me until I get skinny... but when will I get skinny... WHEN!? WHEN WHEN WHEN WHEN.
Lime diet coke? What is this strange and possibly wonderful(?) concoction. I don't know... this is like peanut butter and jam. Good in theory but really weird in reality. I'm not convinced.
ReplyDeleteI agree with most of the above.
Sleepiness- check. Although not this week apparently, insomnia is my new best friend. I'm actually excited for exhausted-fall-asleep-while-reading friend to return.
Food (or lack thereof)- check. This is annoying because then when I shop I'm starving and get tempted to buy billions of little low-cal things. Then when I get home I have to eat them all so that they're not around to wreck another week's worth of eating. Yes, twisted logic, I know.
Failure- Always. Even when I do reach my target, I still start to think that I could have done better.
I am fed up with water. I've always loved the stuff, but now I'm really starting to hate its non-tasty taste. Coke addiction is tempting... but expensive, bad for teeth and that chemically after-taste is a killer. Then there's coffee, but it requires milk, thus adding calories. It seems that I'm stuck with it. Sigh...
I can't comment, other than to comment (because I cannot be happy unless I am commenting your blog, remember?) I am brain dead, because it is too late, and this is the third after 3AM expedition this week... in a row. EW!
ReplyDeleteACtually, I will stop to say this: I love you (in a strictly platonic context, obviously) and lalala. I won't say any further goopy/corn-dog things, because it's three, and my head is heavy. Therefore, my judgement is that of a drunk (ie, not good... obviously, again... )
ARHHHH g'night! LOVEYA, the fishes who are going to watch Harry Potter 4 now, and oggle over the dishy red headed Rupert Grint (Ickle Ronnikins has been my lover since I read the first book in grade TWO!)
Cheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeese!
Good old topshop baggy clothes... I swear i waste all my money in there, but their things arent even that flattering/ nice.. Gr.
ReplyDeleteSeriously, i was exactly the same about the skirts thing, i never wore jeans, cause i thought they made my legs look fat. Then i got some nice jeans and now i always wear them. I think the cut makes a huuuggeee amount of difference.
When will you get skinny? SOON!!
Love you! Xxx
I think i wanted to say something profoundISH re: your hurricane metaphor but i have problems absorbing information when it is written in narrow columns (why i hate The New Yorker which my dad bought me a subscription for for Christmas so that i could be up to date on contemporary american fiction (although i think contemporary fiction is a lot of hooey anyway) and i can't read because of the narrow columns so i just collect the unread magazines guiltly in my house and can't bear to throw them out) and ESPECIALLY when said information is RIGHT NEXT to a GIANT can of DIET COKE + LIME. distraction city! hold on. let me block out can of coke with piece of stray paper and read again.
ReplyDeleteok! your hurricane metaphor is BRILLIANT. i am all sorts of sitting in the center playing in the sandbox and letting hurricane whip around me and distract me from giant bullies called LIFE and SUCCESS and RESPONSIBILITY and PRETTY that are beating their fists in their hands and rocking back and forth waiting to get me. ha ha! na-ner-na-ner-na-ner! you can't get me! oh. wait. trappAGE.
i like what she says in Wasted about how you never really Recover all the way, you just learn to live semi-normally with it. because i think that's the truth. you learn to ignore. you never forget. and there is always a struggle.
(swearie time!) fucking hurricanes.
i am not in so deep yet that i am tired all the time but i remember that from lifetimes ago. suckAGE.
i am actually a way bigger fan of jeans than skirts but i change like 50 times a day because one pair will get too tight or too weird feeling and mostly i just like to be at home in my pajama pants.
i am concerned about you getting dizzy in the shower. this used to happen to me lifetimes ago too. do you eat before you shower? that might help, instead of taking them before breakfast in the AM.
for some reason i now feel an obligation to write you a giant novel-esque post EVERY MOMENT. cut it out, anise! think: HAIKU. not: harry potter.
love from the fishes who are sharing the center of the hurricane and are offering their toys so you can join them in the sandbox :D
I feel the same way as you about many things you have said in this post and I think many people on here do as well. I wont ever have the same attitude towards food ever again and I feel the same way about clothes as you do. Jeans are the most horrible things ever, the way they hug my bum makes me want to stab myself. It's horrific. We all have struggles like this though and that's why we all need to give support to each other and it's good that everyone on here understands.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your comments on my posts it really makes me feel as if someone understands me.
Keep strong. I am here for you if you ever feel horrible.
x
thank you for french paragraph for translating! i will get to it *ahem* SHHH when i know more than 5 words! so, soon!
ReplyDeleteWasted is THE BEST book. not even kidding. she is a wonderful and brilliant writer and has been through hell and back many times and is incredibly insightful and many, most thing she says will resonate with you. i found upon re-reading it recently that when i was 16 i had actually ingested/imbibed large portions of the book to where i felt like i was reading something i had written long ago. weird.
ALSO PLEASE NOTE that this book tends to be VERY TRIGGERING. as in, it's like sinking into the netherworld for a few days while you read it. i don't think i ate anything the entire time i was reading it. and then you finish it and you're like, oh god, what's next? then you close the book, pick it back up, and start again. vicious cycle. but certainly buy it and peruse the outside and stroke it lovingly and when you feel ready then delve in.
write write write! yes! write little stories or poems. read a lot and you'll come up with ideas, that's how i do it at least. don't think of the career of it or the competition because you really can't do it as a career. can't get paid, at least. just write for fun! that's the best way.
ANISE HISTORY IN A (RATHER LARGE) NUTSHELL (not painful past, don't worry!): happy precocious child but incredibly sensitive all through life. got period first at age 10 and felt like a stuck bloody whale and horrifically exposed. continued on happy little childhood, though. issues with parents trying to control me too much (i was i guess a year or two more mentally/emotionally advanced than my actual age, so they were treating me like i was 15 (which i was) but in my brain i was more like 17) and also general disconnect between me as i saw me and everyone else at school, yadda yadda yadda, at 14 my mom insists i take a typing class instead of a lunch period, obviously i am furious but have to take it anyway, suddenly find it a lovely thing not to have to eat lunch, start feeling guilty for eating things, get more and more depressed, more and more feelings of fatness and out of controlness and anxiety, etc. losing weight, mom notices ("you're getting thin, kid" and i still remember the thrill of joy that sent through me), i continue to not eat. general anise being an INCREDIBLY DIFFICULT teenager and moody and depressed and stubborn and getting thinner and withdrawn. not a happy time! at horse lessons once i got dizzy and fell off TWICE in one lesson and in the car on the way home, in some strange unconscious last ditch effort, when dad asks if i've eaten enough today i say, no, and it think i have eating issues. he bites his lip and is quiet and says, all right. we can deal with this. then a flurry of doctors and nutritionists and psychologists and psychiatrists all trying to get me to eat, EXPOSED suddenly, and then i find a new secret joy in razor blades, and then THAT is found out, start weaving little cocoon of foodlessness around me, LEAVE ME ALONE I DONT WANT DINNER FUCK YOU GO AWAY, blah blah, parents are at wit's end, i think at this point i am down to like 90lb, spend a week not drinking ANYTHING and end up in the ER because i am starting to hallucinate. i come home from school at this time and lie on the floor in front of the TV and fall asleep in my winter coat because my parents keep the heat down to 65 and i am ALWAYS cold. my parents come home and wake me up in a panic every time because they think i'm dead. i don't get it. i am FINE, i say. group therapy is a joke because the therapist is FAT and eating COOKIES through our session. i say, mom, dad, i have to get OUT. school is killing me. what i don't say is that they are killing me.
continued in next post...
so we look at private schools, but i have already decided on Interlochen, which is the school the author of Wasted went to and is in Michigan, where i can starve in peace. i gain a few dreaded pounds and doctors say i can go and i shave my head the summer before my junior year (i am 16 i think), which is funny because everyone on the streets think i have cancer because i am so thin although i do not know it.
ReplyDeleteSO i go to interlochen and it is not the hotbed of eating disorders i thought it would be. i am happy there. i do artsy things and meet amazing people and become really and truly happy. i eat. i gain 20lbs. i am watched by the school nurse (who, consequently, tells me that i can stop eating peanut butter once i hit 102 lbs because i don't want to gain TOO much weight. i didnt eat PB for YEARS after that), but i don't need to be because i am actually ok. i go home for vacations and everyone breathes many sighs of relief. healthy anise. happy anise. everything worked out.
so, Recovered Anise. senior year, meet the guy i am to date for 4 and a half years, most of that trans-continental. i am eating all right through college though i have my moments (fighting with him i drink nothing but grapefruit juice for a week and give myself an ulcer). i am not on anti-depressants anymore and my weight is stable. i get sucked into this relationship and move out to california and get more and more sucked in. we are in love. we are going to get married when we're old enough. i am losing what little of my self i had grabbed hold of after Recovering. i am having occasional food oddities but weirdly enough all issues are apparently over. he tells me i am beautiful all the time and my self-worth becomes dependent on that. for 4.5 years. once he eats too much chinese food and makes himself sick in the bathroom and i am frozen in the bedroom rocking back and forth and crying. he knows my past and does this anyway. otherwise i am fine and i eat steaks and hamburgers like a champ.
we break up two years ago (22 yo) and i continue to eat like a champ. as far as i am concerned all food issues are of the long-forgotten past. i'm Over that now, i'm Recovered, i am not defined by my past. right?
ha. this past april something snaps. hard to say what but i can tell from previous journal entries that it'd been building up for a long time. i dance around for a while and finally pull Wasted off the shelf full well KNOWING that i will stop eating if i read this book. i am at 118 at this point and vowed never to go above 115. PANIC. read Wasted, drop caloric intake from 2,000+ to 500 overnight. lose lose lose lose. lose lose lose. i am fully aware of the slippery slope i'm on but the overwhelming feeling of needing to be fucked up about food is too great to worry about these things. so here i am now, 100.4. back into it. though it's different this time, i'm not depressed, i do NOT want to hurt my family again, i do not want to be skeletal. i'm more realistic and rational this time. i just want to be fucked up about food. or rather, need to. so i don't know. and now i'm realizing that that recovered period was really just this giant blanket of ignoring that i'd thrown over myself and i just had made an agreement not to peek under. just ignore the body and the fat and the food. ignore ignore ignorAGE. and then i think back in april i peeked. eek! couldn't ignore any longer.
umm, maybe not so much a nutshell as a whole whopping big meteor impact? sorry. that went on a bit. i hope it was interesting and informative!
love, the fishes who hope you are not bored to death and keeling over in their tank!
yeah that was actually a REALLY horrible-read: depressed-time in my life and i have learned that food avoidance is a BAD thing. you can't just stop eating and expect to be happy and to live--the chemistry is way too unbalanced, and i'm not just talking serotonin. like, full body chemistry. so it's a losing battle. so especially now living alone i am trying to maintain some semblance of normalcy and retain LOVE of food because that is a pleasure. i am glad you are trying to work out the balance too. it's a beast! it's not like alcoholics who can just never drink a drop of alcohol again. we have to eat. beastbeastbeast!
ReplyDeletealso p.s. you will HATE to hear this and i ask that you just throw soft things at the computer rather than hard things so you won't break it and regret it later when you can't blog for days on end:
you won't be any happier when you're skinny.
there. are you throwing things at me? are you done yet?
i was VERY skinny and absolutely NOT happy. only now can i look back with a sad sense of, oh, i was so skinny and looked amazing and had it all and I MISSED IT.
*getting on soapbox* you have to start by taking happiness from the things you DO rather that what you ARE. i.e., you are at proficient/fluent/can get by in French, Russian, Croatian, Japanese, German. That is a HUGE accomplishment! learning those languages makes you happy. you are Getting Somewhere in Life by knowing those things and learning them. you read awesome books (i'm assuming since you liked my list) and you get lots of happiness from reading. you are a great writer even if you don't know it yet.
and so on and so on. i know this logic goes against everything that the shrinks say (love what you are, not what you do) but once you can love what you do, then you have firm enough ground to start the arduous task of trying to love what you are. does that make sense? i don't know. for me the jury's still out on loving what i am/look like, etc., but i can firmly state that i love reading, i love writing, i love languages, i love science, i love animals, and i love to learn things. so at least i have that and at least i know HOW to make myself happy from moment to moment.
*getting off soapbox and defenestrating it* ENOUGH lecture! GAH! i feel like one of those people who come to high schools and tell you how not to fuck up your life!
love from the fishes who have no sense of the time-space continuum and therefore can't understand why we can't meet NOW and have coffee and not have baguettes together. poor fishes! soon, fishes, soon! patience is not a fish virtue :D
So, it took me trying to read through most of your post to figure out why it just looked like a word search lol I didn't have my reading glasses on... In fact, I had forgotten to put any glasses on at all. Now that I'm properly attired, I can respon.
ReplyDeleteI agree with most of your points. In fact, I had a long drawn out comment about how much I feel I have in common with you but it just looked ridiculously long. It seems easier on everyone to just say, I can relate.
You will be skinny before you know it. And when you get there, you'll look back and see how far you've come!!