Today's small monstrosities...

I am listening to Celine Dion trying to calm down. I can feel my heart beat, I can feel my fat arms growing in fatness and rubbing on my ribs. I can see my legs. I can feel my tights dig into my stomach and I would like to fade away like a pretty flower until blooming next spring a thinner, brighter specimen.
.
Today was going well, was. - *Are you feeling some déjà vu right about now between this post and yesterday's?* I had those drinks... and then, this is mad, I asked Sophie how much the Doctor would cost and she said 22 Euros and we chatted and then in passing she mentionned that I woke her up closing the door so could I close them really carefully and I said of course, I am sorry - she smiled and said forgiven and blew me a kiss. And she left. And I started crying. I cried over being told to shut a door a little quieter and being forgiven afterwards. IS THIS NOT PATHETIC? So. DEFENSES DOWN AND food thoughts fill me. Well, I am a pile of shit, I might as well eat, right? Right? I don't deserve to be skinny and happy. I might as well eat - the rice cakes, 2 raisin rolls, an apricot croissant, an entire baguette full of mayo and rocket, a fat smoothie, and more. WHY? I never feel any better. I never want to eat. I always feel compelled, almost FORCED to eat, and I don't really want to, but then I find myself eating just the same. Then I might as well eat a bit more, I mean, already made a mess and failedd, might as well eat now. What a total loser. WHY cant I just be good and stick to plans. Even my friends know me as the one who says she will get there and then always somehow fails. Why do they ever bother worrying? Why? I wil just turn into some bat balloon and rot somewhere in the fairground dustbin.
.
So. Now I must have reversed all the weight I had lost. HELLO BRAIN, HELLO BODY? ARE YOU LISTENING? ARE YOU OUT THERE? CAN WE STOP THIS SHIT NOW AND FAST? AND JUICE FAST? AND LOSE WEIGHT? DO YOU THINK WE COULD DO THAT? DO YOU THINK YOU COULD MAYBE STOP BEING A RETARD NOW? YOU THINK YOU CAN MANAGE THAT? YOU RECKON IT MAY JUST BE A POSSIBILITY? TWAT.