Have you read The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath... if no... Go forth to the bookshop and discover...A few things seem to be stricking me as odd today. And seeing as I have spent the day weak and then eating (will explain) I have thought mostly about the latter. In depth. We are talking deep ocean depth here. And I invite you to come scuba diving with me...
- I now feel very very very sick. My blood sugar is probably racing. I ate a ton (well 9) mini sachets of pain d'epices from the health stall and also 4 packs of soya bics as well as a baguette, crisps, *diet coke lime*, and fruit flapjack... yeah... DISGUSTING. The only bonus (there are no true bonuses) is all the health food is PACKED with fibre. So it will get its arse out of my system quickly. REAL Pleasant, sorry.
- I got an envelope this afternoon (odd French post) from my nan (let's not go there) with 10 euros. Those are gone now. I didn't think I had any manner of eating until my mum's letter... and now I get a surprise... and I break... and I eat. BUT BUT BUT the plan (ALWAYS THE FRICKING PLAN) was to eat 1 pack of soya bics and 1 sachet of pain d'eps. and save the rest for the rest of the week. OH BUT RIGHT YES... fuck the good intentions that academic brain (this needs a girl's name - Sandra) had, Margot (binge-(sometimes sick)) BARGED THE HELL IN AND DESTOYED THEM. She took a big red marker and scribbled all over Sandra's neat little lined notebook. And the plan was destroyed AND margot delved into MY bag and ate everything, because alas she is the pig. THE PIG. Amanda, you really need to kill her off, or send her to boarding school to tame her down a bit. Look into it. So now I am feeling IMMENSLY sick of food. Trying not to freak out, and wondering what I can really do to stop this cycle. Because if we can look at my whole life since starting uni... the cycle has always been there. And it is the cycle that is making me miserable. So I asked myself...
- Should I fast?
- Should I try again?
- Should I go and jump into the Seine from Le Pont des Arts and hope that a lifeguard or Japanese tourist doesn't stop me from drifting and drifting down the river?
- Is there any other option?
So I decide... That I don't know the answer to 4. That there are too many tourists around in Paris still for 3. That if I try to do 2 again I will spend my life doing this same ARGUMENT. And if I do 1 that Sandra will knock on Lucy's (skinny head) pretty wooden door that glitters when sunlight hits it as it sets and rises, and barge in and say...
I do not fathom how you percieve it within your narrow brains that an
idea as such to deprive the body of vital focusing substance can
acquire 'University good grade verisilimitude' status?
And Amanda shall answer either...
Golly, you are correct... where is my credit card so I can
support my education if not my bank!?
Or...
Fuck the hell off can't you see I am in the middle of something here?
Er thanks. Slam the door on your fat arse's way out.
...
But how can I know? How can I control it. I always want to fast, I always fuck up. I read your blogs and see you surviving on so much less than me and wonder what is wrong with me? Why cant I do this too? Why has my brain decided to think it to be dangerous, to stop and to allow it to 'learn', because when I over eat I don't learn either. SERIOUSLY. I need something to give. I don't know how to make a new path through this forest. The children are running around and around, and the more children enter into the forest, the harder it is to catch them all down. How can I catch them all down? All I want is for beautiful Lucy to become bestest friends with Sandra, and they can learn to co-operate, and ignore the immature chantings of Margot and her friends.
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This is a long and rambly post. And I APOLOGISE!!! But I am trying so so so hard to break this cycle and I am not able. And then I think I want to fast. I need to fast no matter what and I can do it this time and...
BUT I CANT DO IT 'THIS TIME'
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Because if I could do it 'this time' I could have done it 'that time' five years ago.
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Once I made the PROMISE that for everyday Margot was controlling the forest, Lucy would receive a tally cut on my leg. And this happened every day. And I couldn't work out if it was because I was so out of control that cutting was the only way to control the uncontrol.
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Basically guys: If you have got this far: I have no IDEA what to do.
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All I know... and you can see I am not lying by reading probably any July post... that Paris was mean to be land of the free, the skinny, the chance and the GRABBING of the goal... and If I go home and I am not at least goal 4 I will break down. And then forth year is going to be a disaster no matter what.
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To starve and to be skinny?
To return to UK having achieved SOMETHING?
How much weight could be lost in a 2 week fast? 12lbs? What is the difference between juice and water fasting - what are the rules? How does it make you feel any better than water fast? Does it not make you want to drink 2000kcal of juice everyday?
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How much weight could I lose on a 2 week juice fast?
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oh no! here are two words from you (and i hope you have read and think of Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy):
ReplyDeleteDON'T PANIC.
i do not know how to break your cycle. i wish i could !! sadly you are the only one. but do NOT jump into the river. NO NO NO NO! I NEED you here. among other reasons. :D
juice fasts are EXCELLENT and i really really think you should try one. when i did it i included all beverages (including milk and V8 so you can get some protein and vitamins - the protein is the important part). you set up parameters, like, i am going to do a liquid fast for 3 days. and you WILL NOT break it. and it will be easier to not break it because you are getting calories and so won't be cranky and won't be tempted so much by food items. anything solid is OFF LIMITS. even soup is OFF LIMITS. as long as you are drinking somewhere in the range of 1000 calories a day you will lose weight, and you won't feel the utter and awful need to break the fast. you'll have enough energy to get things done. and it helps if you plan ahead: like, milk and v8 for breakfast so you have some protein and veggies waking up, then sodas and yummy fizzy drinks and juices throughout the day, then milk for dinner, juices and fizzy drinks, and then milk right before bed so you can sleep happy. go out and buy yummy caloric drinks that you would otherwise avoid like the plague. that makes it fun! like blueberry juice! or (gasp!) non-diet yummy sodas.
and if you are reasonable about your intake and drink water as well it's pretty hard to even get to 2000 calories.
you might feel a bit sloshy inside from all the liquid but that is kind of nice.
i found that on a juice fast all that shit in my head just STOPPED. because it had nothing to complain about! it wasn't really hungry, i was supplying adequate calories, and there just wasn't the debate about whether to eat the baguette or not, because baguettes were straight-up off-limits. if you want a baguette, go drink a glass of milk or whatever. i even got whole milk and had that for "dinner" which was nice and filling and had a little bit of fat because that's necessary and i was even able to run during my fast time.
after the three days i was kind of actually sad to end the fast! there were moments where obviously i wanted real food but on the whole WAY WAY WAY better than real fasting. i HATE real fasting. i LOVE juice fasting.
please try this! i will think about joining you tomorrow! you need to break this cycle and fasting is obviously not working and eating food is obviously not working. try juice! but be serious about it. there's NO reason to break it because you ARE getting calories so you can't just pass out from not eating enough, you know? no way to justify it. and set up the rules ahead of time about whether you want to include shakes and smoothies or not, that type of thing.
you will find you body feeling light and floaty and empty (and a bit sloshy!) but still healthy-ish. lovely lovely feeling.
hope this helps! want happy Six now!! no jumping off bridges!
love the fishes who empathize with your dilemma and wish they could break you out of it! :D
Anise, you and Six are officially two of my favorite bloggers! And I agree, as I have been all morning, that a juice fast is the way to. If you read about it online, you'll see all the benefits. You'll be getting calories and I honestly believe its really hard to suprass 1000 calories of liquid in a day. You WILL lose weight, depending on how long you do it. The first day on a juice fast I lost 3 lbs. After that I averaged about 1.5 lbs per day. I think you can do this and you will definitely enjoy it. And I also think it'll help you break the cycle. But if you decide you're done fasting (I did it for a week) please don't just eat anything. Try some fruits and vegetables. That way the weight won't jump back on you. And while most sites will say "natural, fresh squeezed juice" it was out of the question for me. I added coffeee (hot black coffee and flavored iced coffee), tea, diet soda. Really, anything liquid is fair game. I feel like its so much easier to count calories when its liquid. And lots of water! I hope you give it a try, I think you'll be satisfied!!
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