Drowning or coming up for air? Drowning.There is not much that I can really say at the moment, apart from:
3 apples,
2 oat cookies
1 baguette
1 135g carrot cake slice
1 pot of pasta and cheese
1 baguette more...
I fear I have forgotten something...
Yes. It IS only 2pm. Yes. But you know what, whilst eating the sunflower seed baguette something came to me. Something that probably was obvious to any reader but that had not clicked in my own head.
I am binging because I am terrified. If I binge, I am too angry and upset to realise how terrified of October that I am. Just before I bought the second baguette I was walking, breathing so deeply, beginning to panick. Full scale. I am so so so so so so scared. But what is being scared going to solve? Does realising this make it easier to not be scared? NO!!! But it does tell me why I won't let myself stick to the plan. Because what would there be then to free me from my panick? What would fill the void of fear?
This is what I have to change. And I realised. At my lowest weight, I didn't eat because I was terrified. Of exams. Of failure. What an ironic turn around. Now we just have to become terrified of eating again... and click the change has taken place. And I think the change is coming. Because I am not freaking out and crying about eating a gazillion calories like the multiple times before. Because I see why, I see the light, and now I know what I need to change. Operation fear of food. Put the fear into the food, not into October. Another displacement. FEAR OF FOOD FOR FEAR OF FAILURE AND OCTOBER.
Done.
I still have the end of the baguette in my bag. And you know what? I am damn well not going to eat it.
Also. I have just taken my LAST TWO antibiotics. SO the game is really damn on.
Check out what I have just sent my cousin...
I am so so looking forward to seeing you, I have wandered all over the place, and now I am bored and WAITING FOR YOU!!!
This is a somewhat random email, purely because I cannot imagine saying this to your beautiful face, so I thought I would transfer if through the facebook. I have been taking antibiotics ALL week, and thus eating baguettes like a trooper, and I kid you not, if I do not have time out from food soon, I am going to go insane. SO I am meant to be saying goodbye to Anida at lunch tomorrow, and was *hoping* that you wouldn't mind if potentially I didn't eat over Sunday and Monday, because on Tuesday evening I have to go out to a restaurant for the big farewell plan my friends have that have no idea about this food thing... I would never dream of making you not eat, I would never dream of stopping you from getting anything that you wanted, cooking anything here etc, but I just wanted to see if this would be ok? I have done it a gazillion times before, you wouldn't even notice a difference, I promise.
Ok, so that is one of the somewhat weirder messages that you will be receiving on Facebook.
Love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!!
There are 2 lies in there. 2 LIES that make it seem that a 2 day fast, instead of a 4 day fast was upon me. Oh yes. And I will be too watched to fail. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA
15:32
What is going to happen (not the plan, but the FUTURE REALITY)
I am not going to eat anything on Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday or Thursday, maybe Friday (in London with a friend who 'knows'... I will be trying to play the game of meal dodging by making myself insanely busy, disguising my acts with 'plans' with friends that dont exist, and thus I will be trying NOT to cosume a SOLE calorie (bar diet fizzies) until the 6th of October, Pm. I.e... the First meal of College, that will be UNAVOIDABLE.
Yes, it is a LONG shot, yes it will be tricky, but NO I am not letting fear let me get fat. I will manipulate fear to make me get skinny. A 10 DAY FAST, Ending on the 11th day, p.m (5pm I think) Yes I HAVE 10 DAYS UNTIL UNIVERSITY. This is unbearably ODD, considering I am in Paris, a belly of baguette, NOT learning, NOT skinny. 10 DAYS = A STONE of weight (there abouts) = HAPPY AMANDA even if fearful. Sad and fearful or happy but fearful. The latter is less sole destroying.
10 DAY FAST ON. AS OF NOW. As I press Publish Post... it is time to get saneekiiiii
GO GO GO GO GO GO GO!
ReplyDeletealso i think it is time to re-write things on your arm: FUCK YOU, FAILURE! I WILL NOT FAIL! I WILL NOT FEAR YOU!
are you writing? don't whine about it. WRITE IT.
ok?
anyway i understand deeply and completely how fear is related to eating/not eating and how it can be related to both. i do not eat out of fear (of life, the universe and everything) and i also eat out of fear (of dying, of life, the universe and everything). it is a bitch! i like your single replacement reaction!
if A stands for food
if B stands for fear
if O stands for October
we get:
A + BO --> AB + O
so you see how the food just bumps right in there with the fear and boots out the October? so you now fear food and are left with just plain ole October, which you can confront very willingly and rationally and get some shit done. right?
i am doing the same thing only substitute failure/Rest of Life for October.
please please send me french books! if you have money! and french children's books? that will help me leeeearrn!
LOVE YOU and all that. i am much better today. planning for a baguette because i need a day of normalcy because my body is rebelling and AHEM AHEM (emptying my colon of its own accord) AHEM sorry, TMI, i know. but so you see i need some absorbent material in there. and then back to fasting or whatever.
on your fast and Fear of Food: GO GO GO GO GO GO !
you can do it! tremble at the sight of every carrot cake! think of those calories adhering to your bum!
LOVE the fishes who have already OOPS eaten the rest of the skittles this morning and are now multi-coloured and bouncing off the wallllllls!
Seems to me that you've pinpointed it! Good job. Now, I am sure you’ll be able to work on the right things. Transform your energy and focus focus focus. A long fast like the one you’re planning will be hard, but I’m with you.
ReplyDeleteGood luck and STAY STRONG.
… and focus. Never ever think about ANYTHING else than your goal.
You can do it.
Don’t you dare prove me wrong. ;)