Cycles of me.Nearing the end of exams. Struggling. Don't want to eat. Want to eat. Want to work, cannot work.Went to the doctors today for a blood test. Walked into the wrong room. Embarrising. She deff saw the scars on my arm. Embarrassing without a small doubt.On a plus, I saw Vasanti and her 3 children, who are all beautiful, today and she gave me another hug. That woman is amazing and a paradigm of mankind. She gave me her number yesterday, because I had wrote to her saying that I kept crying and she hated the thought of that.I am shit scared of these last two exams. I feel like an old wall that is crumbling, or as said to Vasanti - Un puzzle qui perd de plus en plus de ses pièces.
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Am I not back there again in May? 4 Months on and I am back in May. It should be the middle of September by now. I should have moved on from May..
So I am doing something dangerous. Something that if I fail will send my right back to February, so I cannot fail. That would also go like the second entry of the 'new' blog. But, needless to repeat myself I will anyway. I need to believe I can do this. I need to. My friends told me I couldn't. I really hope you will tell me I can.
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The last chance (before a total breakdown)
18th - Total Fast
19th - Total Fast
20th - JUICE FAST
21st - JUICE FAST
22nd - JUICE FAST
23rd - JUICE FAST
24th - JUICE FAST
25th - JUICE FAST
Two months on from my 20th Birthday. Where will I be?
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My cousin gets here the day after.
Wish me luck. I am going to need all the luck I can get to fly out of this loop
HEY! i totally left a comment here and it isn't here! wtf?!?! oh well. that's okay. it didn't say much except that i wanted to say something but i was in the middle of a giant disastertime with some goldfish crackers and that was why i couldn't say the things i wanted to say re: your post. see my blog. yeah.
ReplyDeleteOH! i vaguely remember the few words i had for you. here they are but i do not promise to recreate them completely as my head is dangerously unbalanced at the moment.
i KNOW you can do it. i have complete faith in you. i totally get that you need to do this (aka fasts + juice fast) so you can get your head on straight again. GO FOR IT. THIS TIME you can do it. after two days of full fasting the juice will taste so marvellously delicious that you won't even want solid food. so that will help. be strong! you can DO THIS!! i am also momentarily fasting because of the horror of my afternoon. i do not know when it will end. i do not have any plans except to not have to fail at throwing up again. here is my brain logic: you couldn't throw up the goldfish - so go buy ice cream which you know you can throw up - eat the whole pint - throw up to prove that you can still do it. what the fuck, brain? what kind of sick logic is that?
anyway, sorry to bore you with my minor panics. i hope hope you are feeling okay and better this morning! i am glad you made it to the doctor despite the money. i am always worrying about your health because if you keel over who will let me know and what will i do without you?
ANYWAY. i am with you on this fast today. ok? ok? YOU CAN DO THIS. please also think of an emergency item that you can eat/drink if you feel dizzy or whatever so that you can eat that if absolutely necessary and not feel like you have broken your fast or are a failure. ok? even if this is just a glass of milk. because i do not want you to fail and binge because your body is giving out on you and you have no choice but to save it from keeling over. ok? please do that? YOU ARE OFFICIALLY ALLOWED ONE EMERGENCY FOOD/BEVERAGE ITEM FOR THE TWO DAYS OF FULL FASTING. ok? you have to listen to that because it's in all caps. that's a hard-and-fast rule. :D
anyway, love and support and love and support and juice and ice skating. i feel like we are two broken bodies worlds away that are trying to hold each other up. and if we find the exact right position we will be stronger combined than we are alone and we will remain standing.
LOVE the fishes who love you
p.s. i have every intention of replying to your email. do not worry. i am having bad bad distracted binge-purgeFAIL times right now and as soon as that settles we will be back on track :D