Thank you my lovelies...

Your comments set me off on a mass thinking spree... which involved a very colouful chart... as usual... and I feel so so so so so much better. I have just eaten 312 calories but it is ok.

.

Anise, you are right. I can't fast for 20 days. It is one of those crazy "I WANT TO FIX THIS NOW!" thoughts that consumes me and which I need to think through to work me way out of. I am clearly not underweight, but my body, like you say, is not a happy bunny. I have the same scrathes that got infected and are still infected that I had a month ago. I get dizzy and see yellow. And my blood tests showed me that I am not so great on a few things... all these things I am certain are the same with the majority of people who read this entry. I know - but it makes no sense to fast if I will a)fail and feel bad and b)faint on day 3.

.

I wrote a list of my priorities of what I want to achieve - it is fairly long and being thin cannot take a position within them because its priority changes from 1 to 2 depending on which head (skinny vs academic) I wake up wearing on my neck. So it is everywhere, permeating them all without being written amongt them.

1. Do as well as I can on my degree (I really want a First. Bad.)
2. Work out what my next step is post degree - MA/PhD or PGCE or JOB
3. Dance, dance, dance! Go to saturday classes next year (I got very low and couldn't bring myself to attend them anymore last year and regret it still)
4. Draw, paint, pastel - you enjoy this
5. Aim for the house in Durham
6. Aim for the dog
7. Learn to play the piano
8. Learn more languages - and improve German and Japanese now they are not part of your degree
9. Stop binging

Voilà

.

Fasting for 20 days will mean that I cannot do priority number 1. However, my plan is not going to work - because I am eating lots, eating nothing, and I think consistency is better in the long run to stop this binging. Ok. I cannot expect miracles, but hopefully they will become less frequent. So I need something ready and propacked that I can open in the morning and be done with. 1 thing a day - the same to get used to it. I cannot have variety at this stage - I lack Money. Big time. I spent most of what I had left on yesterday's disaster. So my anti-death fibre bics are not the lowest calorie option (pack of 5 in 4 sachets) but they are yummy, they are not around in Uk, and they are France's weird take on HEALTH food - they are YUM bics, filled with Magnesium or Fibre or Calcium and Soya... and have great flavours like orange, hazlenut... so the plan (which I really really really hope to keep for more than a day - I really want this to be a plan that sticks) is to have a sachet of 5 bics in the morning or whenever in the day - and that is it. It is around 320kcals. I have to lose weight if I only eat 320kcals a day and don't binge, right? Right? Please let that be right.

.

Also, despite reaidng and spending AGES reading those french books, I have decided to... hum... not do that module anymore. I am doing Russian Intepreting like I was meant to. BECAUSE: Priority 1 is about doing the best I can. And I am better at Russian. I will feel useless in the first few weeks because I am not going to be anywhere near as good as people that have spent a year there (massive inferiority complex) despite my russian teacher telling my not to freak out - that I (if I work hard) could be one of the top of the group... I dont consider having wasted my time reading the books... I have learnt french vocab and I enjoyed them too. But if I want to get this first, I have a much better chance with Russian trans and int. - I got 68% and to get a first you need 70% - THIS isnt rubbish like it might be at school - it is nolonger possible to get 90% - that would mean the work was at a publishable standard. So I did good, but I stand a shot at getting a first - and Russian is the safest way for me to go because it WILL be a challenge without this year abroad. Also due to everything that happened to me last year I have Mitigating Circumstances which look at borderline grade cases like mine and asses if I deserve the 2:1 or the First due to being at a disadvantage last term.

.

Long ramble... but I OWE so much to you guys. I am so lucky to have you. Your comments mean so much to me - I am actually crying as I type this!! You need to know how special you are. You deserve everything you want and you deserve to find happiness. Together I hope we can.