Wednesday, 16 September 2009

Sophie's Present

There is more pink and blue in real life...
Did this tonight

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2 comments:

  1. mais17 September 2009 at 00:44

    did i mention your art is amazing?? yeah. it is. tu es intelligente and TALENTED! or whatever the french is. the one of sophie is UH-MAY-ZING.

    here are some answers to your questions:
    1. no that is not me in my profile pic. sadly. i wish! though in my best moments i am always imagining myself in a brilliantly lit park with cobble stones and wearing a cute dress and sweater and mysterious satchel that is probably holding my brilliant manuscripts. so i guess the picture is how i want to be. for reasons of strict anonymity i cannot put up any pictures of myself-- no one knows i'm back to my old food ways and they would be devastated and i can't have that. so no-go. people have told me i look like natalie portman, winona rider (when i had pixie-ish hair) and natalie imbruglia but i don't think i look like any of them at all. so who knows? you will have to wait until we are ice skating together to find out! bwaahahahahahaha!

    2. i have ABSOLUTELY grown and changed as a person since beginning my food issues. i was 15 when they started so i obviously changed as a person anyway, but i think the food issues have given me a much clearer awareness of my Self and who i am and how i deal with life and exactly how strong i am. i am more aware of my body and i am more aware of my own mortality. some of these things didn't come about until after i was "recovered" but it's very nice now that i've got them. but i think ED issues will no matter what--so long as you pay attention--make you more aware of yourself and your needs and how you deal with life. if you can figure these things out, it's easier to head them off ahead of time and therefore remain more stable. like, and here's a very simple example, i've learned that if i eat less than, say, 500 calories a day, i will be cranky and depressed and unable to get anything done, which will make me more depressed, and i'll get even less done, leading to more depression. so this time around i can logically tell myself that i need to at least eat 500 calories a day to avoid that cycle. not just because it's healthy but because it's a proven cycle my body goes through and i do not want to go there again.
    i think my ED issues have also given me a greater control over my reactions and impulses. like, i've spent so much time thinking about how i exist in the world that now i can figure out where that anger comes from when i react strongly to something or someone. that helps in dealing with it too. like if i can't open a door and i am getting abnormally frustrated about it and about to cry, i can step back and think: am i hungry? am i tired? have i had a lot of frustrating things going on today? am i mad at a friend? is my boyfriend or whatever treating me like shit? and so on. once i figure out where that anger is coming from then i can "put it aside" and let it live in its own little happy (or angry) box in my mind and i can agree to deal with it later and get on with opening the door or whatever.
    long story short, i think ED issues, if you pay attention, will make you more aware of your body, your mind, your reactions to things, and the ways in which you deal with problems. i am WAY more aware of this than most people my age. i think the ED had a lot to do with that. i also know what it's like to go through shit, which a lot of people don't know. that is useful too. and i have a much stronger sense of self now. but i think that one takes a lot of work, usually post-ED.
    continued in next comment!!

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  2. mais17 September 2009 at 00:44

    does that answer your question? basically if i could go back and change it and just neatly remove the ED from my teenage life, i don't think i would do it. i NEVER want to go back and relive that time, but it did make me who i am now. it did teach me some things. and most of all it taught me that i can always lose weight again. i will never have to be fat like many of my family members. you can always go back and you can always lose the weight.

    anyways, off to ma classe de français! more french for you later! yay!

    hang in there and focus and work and work and juice fast! as soon as you get some work done you will feel much better, so get at least a little done today, ok? i will hold you to that! GET SOME WORK DONE OR ELSE!

    LOVE the fishes who are hoping that the above few paragraphs did not sound didactic or preachy or condescending because they really, really didn't mean it to and they are anxious about how they appear to others as always!

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