Houston, we have a problem

Today's efforts... (not yet finished)

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Now to the problem.... ahhh the problem. The problem is the antibiotics. So this morning I said that I was feeling sick. Well the sick feeling became unbearable but I held on and didn't eat, it didn't settle all day. At 5 I knew I had to take another 2 tablets... on a 'oh my god I might be sick' stomach. I took them, with diet coke again... waited. Waited. Waited. OH THERE IT WAS... There they were, working at ripping out my insides second by second. I was in public, thiss couldn't last. It was, in an adjective, unbearable. Potentially on a par with being tortured and having your finger plyered off infront of your eyes. So I knew I had to eat. Despite the decleration. In my defense, I reckon given 10 more minutes I would have fallen down from pain so the amendment would have hit the declarations arse. Still, 24hours... not very long lived. Apple. Quick get safe food. Apple. Munch, munch, munch... wait, wait, wait. Still there. Still very much there.

Take them with some bready food - says mum - a thought that echoes in my head and gets louder and louder...

NO. I will not binge again. I will not self-destruct. But I need some bread of some sort, so what are we going to do about it, Mand. Think quick, your stomach is going through a shredder. Starbucks. GO GO GO. Prepackaged. Expensive. No binge. NO CHEESE. Chicken bagel. GO GO GO. Munch, munch, munch... watch man blowing massive bubbles in the street... wait... the shredder turns off, my stomach has been released from its torture chair, somewhat bruised but finger in tact. Of course now the food demons have been released. CONTROL THEM AMANDA, YOU HAVE EATEN. YOU HAVE EATEN ALREADY... Wander. Wander. Wander... THEY ARE BEHIND YOU, WATCH OUT. Walk, wander, walk... they creep up slowly.

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I am in Monop'. There is an aisle of sandwiches, salads, cakes... all to eat on place. I cannot stop the thoughts. But one step at a time... I will control some of them. AMANDA IF YOU MUST - NO BREAD. NO MILKSHAKE. NO CAKE. Proceed.... Eyes crisscross the shelves... Light yogurt. Light orangina. Small prepacked risotto. Strawberry compote.

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This brings today's calorie intake to...

apple - 100

drink - 20

yogurt - 65

risotto - 220

bagel - 450?

strawberry c - 80

TOTAL: 935 Kcal.

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Now despite that this is 935 calories too many... it is the first day without a binge in a while. Does what I ate count as a binge? Because it wasn't totally controlled?

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I have come to accept that not eating on antibiotics is an impossibility. I will end up disabled from the stomach down, in a wheelchair, twitching at the sight of medication. A new challenge is upon me. The control task: 1 bought skimmed milk and cereal (non-nut, SPECIAL K- MUCH lower in calories and fat and I binge on nuts... so that was never a good idea.) And the challenge I have set myself is to eat one bowl in the morning, and one bowl in the evening - in some sort of twisted extreme version of the Special K challenge. I have to try and control this because I have to eat for 5 days, so there is no point binging 5 times - I may as well try to get a hold of this horrendous soul destroying habit and tame it down. 2 bowls of cereal a day is not a normal amount to eat, Amanda. You are safe. You will lose weight. Do not worry. Do not go back to top up the cereal if milk is left in the bowl. Just drink the milk and leave the house.

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Love from the somewhat sick but considerably better fishes that just sent a letter to America the day before a French post strike...