Ok. This is a warning: This is a very moany, self-demeaning post.
You have been warned!!
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Sometimes I want to lock myself in a room, send the key in the post to be returned 20 days later and voilà. Easy fast. I hate this eat, study, eat, study thing that battles in my mind... mostly ending in binges and NO studying because I feel like a total arse thereafter. I want to get to my goal weight. Every day I screw up I have to wait that bit longer, but I screw up every other day anyway. I tell myself to stop, and then I do it again. And again. And again. And again. And I have had enough of it. ENOUGH. All I want to do is fast for 20 days (it has been a dream for a while) and lose the weight and be thin and be in control and no SCREW THE FUCK UP for ONCE in my life when I try to do this. So I say do something Amanda... JUST DO IT. Why must you insist on being a total ARSE and fighting me. It is infuriating and I cant take much more. Surely, you wont DIE if you don't eat for 20 days. You will get over it. So wouldn't you please just do it. DO IT. PLEASE JUST DO IT. PLEASE. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE. I want to be one of those people that can fast. Not one that cant. I can do 5 days, why cant I do 20? WHY CANT I EVEN DO 2 ANYMORE WITHOUT FEELING SHIT? WHY AM I A RETARD? Why do I make the same mistakes over and over again, why do I always EAT my emergency food at the end of the binge before the fast has even begun and WHY, tell me WHY, do I feel the need to use up ALL MY MONEY ON A BINGE SO THAT I CAN FAST AFTERWARDS? Only to PANIC that I will DIE OR SOMETHING, WHICH I WONT... SO ASK FOR MORE MONEY, AND DO THE WHOLE THING ALL OVER AGAIN?
.
Seriously.
Seriously.
This girl is ANGRY tonight.
This girl has done nothing ALL DAY.
This girl is going into a skizz all over AGAIN.
Will it never end? WILL I EVER DO THIS BLOODY 20 DAY FAST? WELL YOU ARE IN PARIS, RETARD. GO AHEAD AND DO THE FUCKING THING. When ELSE DO you think you can do this again? CAN YOU ANSWER THAT? No. You cant. BECAUSE there IS no other time to do it. SO JUST DO IT. WITHOUT EATING THE 2 ENVELOPPES FILLED WITH "EMERGENCY DEATH FIBRE BICS" You DONT need them. YOU RETARD.
IT'S ALL RIGHT IT'S ALL RIGHT IT'S ALL RIGHT IT'S ALL RIGHT IT'S ALL RIGHT IT'S ALL RIGHT!
ReplyDeletedid that get through? no?
let me try again.
IT'S ALL RIGHT. really really. you are not a retard. your body is clearly trying to tell you something, i.e., that it's STARVING (despite what you weigh or don't weigh) and that it wants FOOD in order to do things. i used to have this psychiatrist who was an awesome Indian woman who used to tell me over and over that (imagine Indian accent please): your body is like an engine and you have to put in fuel so that it will run properly. she drew pictures and everything. like, NO SHIT. i am fully aware of what i am doing to myself, THANK YOU. OBVIOUSLY there are deeper issues at work here.
possible thoughts:
1. fill emergency envelope with foods you don't really like so you are not at all tempted to eat them?
2. don't try the 20-day fast until you are stronger (by which i mean healthier physically)? you need lots of physical endurance for that which you probably don't have after binge-fast-binge-fast-binge-binge-fast cycle. your body is confused about where calories are coming from and when and so that is not optimum in terms of fasting.
3. work up to 20-day fast? if you are not able to do 3 days or 5 days now you will never be able to do 20. so don't set yourself up for failure! also not healthy and i hate to say it but dropping dead is a possibility depending on your state of health which of course i do not know, being many thousands of miles away.) work up to it! it's such a bleak outlook to realize you won't have even a morsel of food passing your lips for two weeks, and i think that's why it's so easy to cave. the ONLY way i am getting through my ONE DAY fast is to keep telling myself i can have that saltwater taffy tomorrow (which i won't, but it appeases my tastebuds for now). so until you get used to going long and longer times without food you will likely fail, and i don't want you beating yourself up about it! no no no!
4. maybe this is a novel concept but what will you actually do when you get to your goal weight? i think most of it is really about the getting there. take your time! this is hard to explain so i won't do it here but if you need more details i will be happy to oblige, if you haven't already thrown things at the computer in an attempt to hit me with them because you are outraged at this suggestion. it is only something i have discovered by being healthy for a number of years and then going back to ED behavior.
don't beat yourself up too badly! you are amazing and wonderful whether you can fast for 20 days or have to eat every five minutes. really really really really. really! amazing Six!
of course there is every chance that you will get this comment in the bright and sparkly morning when you are already feeling leaps and bounds better about life. but in the case that you aren't, i'm going to post it anyway.
love, the fishes who understand your need for fasting but beg you in their little watery fishy voices to be practical and not die on them because they will miss you.
xoxoxoxo
oh, crap. i am going to have to stop writing novellas in your comments one of these days. it's these little boxes for leaving comments in--they're so small and i have no idea how much i've written and i do tend to go on a bit. :D
ReplyDeleteThere is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING that I can POSSIBLY add to the above! So, I'm not even going to try. I agree with absolutely EVERYTHING written in the exceedingly impressive novella published prior to this comment.
ReplyDeleteShall I just add (I know, I know, I said I wasn't going to) my own descriptive devices to the list? SIX OF SEXINESS (or Hearts), you are amazing (as previously mentioned, and with as many reallys in front as Anise had) and shocking, and radical, and sexy (in my mind), and red (that's a good thing), and non-judgy, and understanding, and shoulder-like (for crying onto), and perfectly French, with a certain je ne sais quoi, and you're as detailed as my musical terms dictionary, and as awe-inspiring as Audrey Hepburn's cheekbones, and as lovely as a tulip (you thought I'd say a rose!), and as handy as my phone, and as...
Nup.
I've run out
Love, the fishes who were bored at the skinny party, so walked home, dragging me on my thin green leash, back to your blog.
AND I JUST HAVE TO SAY THIS! The word clarification testy thingy is OBZULARU!