I woke up speaking German. That is not normal. Then I flung out of bed to get the cereal and ate it... then 10 mins later realised I hadn't taken the antibiotics during the meal, and then started a mass search to find where I had thrown the box in my clearing up episode last night. Only three more days after this!!! WOOP!!! And then I will be grateful that I can not eat when I feel like it, and hopefully not binge. That, alas, is the almighty plan. So my heart is currently beating like a child manically hitting a drum, but that is no doubt the antibiotics too, because did I mention that they were evil? Pyostacine... even the name is evil... but other than that the en panne Amanda is slowly fading away and the real Amanda is climbing back out of that muddy pit she slipped in to..
Last night I watched Spirited Away. I love those Japanese Anime films, but watching them in Japanese with English subtitiles is COMPLUSERY. No dubbed version, please. How can I practise my Japanese with a dubbed version? Exact.
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Yaaaawwn. I am trying to work out what to do today. If I try to work freak-out demon will show up again, yet I cannot leave it forever. I will give myself until 10am... and then I will decide. Whenever I start randomally crying at the moment I am trying to work out why I am crying, and I realised yesterday that it was the immense fear of failure in Final Year. I have two massive tasks ahead of me - 1) Survive final year without having a year abroad (like missing 25% of my degree out) and get a good grade (I want a first, I WANT A FIRST) and 2) Not have another psychotic break-down every other day that someone tries to get me to eat.
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I am finding it all really hard at the moment. And I cannot bear my friends getting angry at me - but they need to realise that I am angrier at myself. I don't want to stay this unbalanced all my life, It is pretty miserable. But I cannot give up the dream of thin, it is pinned to a locked door, and until I find the key to get to the dream, there is no turning back. The decision was made. I am finding the key. My brain often has different agendas to my heart.
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UPDATE 9AM
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Erm... ok... so I have had 3 bowls of cereal and it is 9am... 374kcal per 100g and there were 375g and I have eaten them all in 2 days. Going to have to try and eat nothing for the rest of the day, and have a nauseating antibiotic diet coke meal. I made the VAST error of weighing myself... 53KG. 53KG. Erm.. no.. NO THANKS. OH god. that is 2.5kg of weight BACK ON after binge days. OH hell. Shit. And all the other naugthy words.
Don't worry about the gain, you'll lose it.
ReplyDeleteFriends suck, they are the only people that can make me break a fast besides myself being weak, with friends I feel like I must eat lots. It should stop.
Also spirited away = <3. That one and Howls moving castle are the best Ghibli films. The most recent one, Earthsea, was SUCH a disappointment and barely made sense to me even though I've read the book!
I know I'm going to sound weird and fanatic, but have you ever tried meditation? It's crazy how it can help you rebalance your mind AND body. You don't need to do it hours after hours, usually 10-15 minutes will do the trick.
ReplyDeleteI'm just saying, because from what I can read, you seem like a poor night butterfly hitting lights and I wouldn't want you to get burn.
Love,
Luella
Since I'm from germany I'm reeeally interested why you woke up speaking german..?
ReplyDelete53kilos is nice love, what is your height anyway?
And dont forget that these 2,5kilos after a binge are not necessarily pure weight/fat. It may be some ye undigested food in your tummy or guts... :) I tend to be about1 or 2kilos heavier than I actually am simply bcause I tend to stuff my myself with a tremendous amount of veggies/fruits. but still I dont eat more than a maximum of 800calories. you can eat 2 whole kilos of yummy carrots and you have the same amount of cals(500) as if you had eaten one bar (100g) of chocolate,isn't that amazing? ^^
Love,
Minaralou