Just a quick note to tell you I’ve been in touch with Sarah, specialist practitioner who has told me to get in touch again as soon as you get back to Durham and your case will be taken quick sharp.Hope this is alright with you and also hope you are coping and look forward to seeing you when you get back.
Take care.
Love and hearts and sugarfree tarts, the fishes x x x
Did I mention that I WANT CARROT CAKE? Oh Life is boring without munching. I need more things to do. This should be better when I have lessons. I am somewhat BORED OUT OF MY MIND at the moment. I should learn, learning panicks me to tears. I can't learn. I want to watch 4OD. I can't watch 4OD. I can't be bothered to read, because I am tired. I cannot be bothered to paint, for the same reason, so I am sitting here, not really doing anything at all, dreaming about the sweet icing on a carrot cake. I have only eating carrot cake once in my life... so WHY the obsession? God knows. I really need not to be miserable and to be able to do something constructive at some point in my life. When I die, on my gravestone 'The girl that ate, fasted, binged, purged, and dreamt of carrot cakes'... Do I really want my life to be defined by food? Eik.
20:29...
I may just have eaten some more. I knew it was too good to be true. However, no bread, cheese chocolate or cereal.
2 Apples, 1 lemon mousse (best version of pousset imaginable without the fat), 1 packet of small crisps... (they are adding themselves to THE LIST OF FORBIDDEN FOOD right now... 1 slice of 130g Quiche...
Today's intake = 1230kcal. Now if we just take away 1230kcal, then it makes the day's intake perfect. I need to be busier. I need not to cry at the thought of the months to come. I need to lose weight. I need to stick and hold a plan for more than 3 days. I need to fit into my Pippa jeans. I need to want to smile. I need to need to need it.
Have you ever played Snakes and Ladders? We are all playing it. Some of us are climbing ladders, other of us are plodding along, getting closer to the finish. Then all of a sudden a snake comes along, and I can't seem to get away from the one that takes me from Square 62 to 19. And I really want to find the ladder that goes from 28 to 84. So ANY tips on snake dodging would be greatly appreciated.
I have often imagined self inducing a coma. Only, however, If I would not be tube fed and wake up the same weight. Likewise, I often want food poisoning. And have considered drinking bleach to kill the calories. My mind advised me against this.
On an UH-MAY-ZING note:
http://www.falconblanco.com/health/fasting.htm
That is courtesy of 'I will be a size O''s findings...
"Ten days on water will cause the same weight loss as 30 days on juice"
"Wouldn't it sometimes be great to eat normal every person amount without thinking. What would we think about afterwards? What would be left of us? That is what worries me."
ReplyDeleteWorries me as well...
I can't imagine eating a normal every person amount. It's either eating way more than average or eating basically nothing. I find it fascinating to watch people eat like 1 piece of bread here and another one there. 'Cause when I have "a piece" of bread it ends up being a whole bread?! 1 piece of bread is impossible!
How do people do that? I have no idea.
And I could never imagine eating without thinking. I start thinking about the next day's intake when I go to bed. It's constantly in the back of my mind, even when I decide not to think about it. It's too freaking hard not to care...
LOVE YOU MORE!
(This comment's by the way all over the place, sorry hun!)
everything maria said. yeah. and yeah.
ReplyDeletestay calm, ok? i am trying to do this too. i know i know it is hard.
maybe you can write this on your arm: DON'T PANIC. right now i have written on my arm the list of dogs i had to walk today and "Schnittke, Piano Concerto #1", which is the concerto that was playing in the car as i was AHEM inhaling ice cream AHEM and which happened to go along oh so perfectly with the bingeing that i had to write it down (while stuffing face with my right hand, aka the arm i was writing ON). it was like a soundtrack. it was a beautiful and perfect moment and i had to write it down because i thought, when i binge next (do you see the problem here??? why the FUCK am i PLANNING my next binge????) it would be nice to do it to my own personal binge-soundtrack. so you see i am hmm rather off-kilter today. eep.
i grew up playing chutes and ladders, which is the same as snakes and ladders except that there are slides instead of snakes, which is way more FUN and not so TERRIFYING as the thought of ending up inside a ravenous snake's belly. non? plus on my board there were all sorts of cute children sliding down the slides and climbing the ladders. WAY better.
right now i want to--let's pretend, ok? close your eyes--no, not NOW, silly! when you finish reading this!--be in a meadow playing chutes and ladders with you, and we are picnicking on diet coke and fizzy waters and kiwis and mangoes and juices. behind our meadow is a forest, and maybe a distant mountain behind that. the grass is long and swaying in the wind, except where it is covered by our red checkered blanket, which is lumpy and soft under our bones. we are light and magical. we wear white dresses that fan out when we twirl. it is quiet except for the hum of crickets and distant birdsong and the susurration of the wind in the grass. we are surrounded by the smells of grass and earth and wildflowers, and our laughter carries to the ends of the meadow and stops dead at the trees. we are thin and bony but the earth of our meadow is soft, and we lie in the grass and watch the sunset and the moonrise and make our own constellations in the dark.
this is our meadow and it exists always and out of time. make a little box in your head for it. go there whenever you are upset or you're angry or you're panicked or you're sad or if the world is just too much. ok? i will be there too. i am there right now and i am clinging to the grass for dear life but i am breathing in the smell of earth and i am starting to relax.
I LOVE YOU. the fishes love you too. they are clamoring for a pond to be added to the meadow for our fishes to co-mingle and i am obliging happily. so add also the sound of bullfrogs and fishes and the smell of water and maybe our feet getting a little muddy and wet :D
Kimi mo DAIsuki da yo~! <3
ReplyDeleteLol I NEED the japanese patch for my laptop. I hate Romaji with a passion >.<
Kinoko are a kind of mushroom. Kinoko no Yama are tiny little chocolate mushrooms with biscuit stems.
DO NOT DRINK BLEACH!! Seriously seriously bad for you!! :O